AJ

Boot Camp!

2011-07-11T19:34:00.001-07:00

Tonight it felt so good to be back into boot camp with the ladies! Most of the regulars were there: Vicki, Brandy, Ashley, and Lindsey! We were definitely missing Deb as she recovers from surgery but we certainly enjoyed Mary's company! Tonight's workout used no additional weights and still was super intense for our first night back. I benefit so much mentally and emotionally from these workouts and the time I have with these ladies. Tonight when I came home to eat the hubs wanted "brinner" and I made it for him. But I didn't want to negate all of the hard work we put in. So I'm proud to say that instead of french toast with my eggs and turkey bacon (2 egg whites/1 egg) I had lettuce and a tsp of balsamic vinegar...and EVEN TURNED DOWN THE DESSERT! I shall savor this good decision and remember how good it feels to honestly say I made a good choice about food. This is what I desire to do, make healthy choices.

Not only do we work hard but we laugh, a lot! Hopefully as Deb heals we'll be able to start some more aquatic workouts that can be just as intense and beneficial as workouts on land. I am looking forward to enjoying the next series of workouts with them and doing some serious growth together and individually!

It's Monday!

2011-07-11T06:29:00.000-07:00

I am so excited about today! Two classes are in the books (with B's I think) and only one left for six more weeks before my next break! Trent and I have the morning together to go for a run, play in the kiddie pool (best layout option, ever), play with play dough and not feel guilty about tending to school and work!

Our challenge from church was to finish reading Philippians 1 starting at verse 12. This section seemed super appropriate in reminding me that others experience way more challenging situations and life circumstances when living their life for God. Also starting at verse 27 I was encouraged to keep doing what I should no matter what is happening around me.
"Whatever happens conduct yourselves in a manner that is worthy of the Gospel of Christ (NIV)."

I am grateful for this beautiful day that presents with it a new day to practice living a life worthy of the Gospel of Christ.

Today

2011-07-10T06:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes there is so much going on that it is hard for me to stop and just focus on the task at hand or what needs to be done today. I believe this has definitely been a part of the challenge for me in reaching my fitness goals. But I am so grateful that along the way I have learned that grace, consistency, persistence, and patience will sustain me as I go along. I think in the past I have seen patience and persistence as antonyms...I either was patiently doing little to nothing about the current goal or I was feverishly pushing forward toward the goal.

The last time we were in church Pastor Mike taught us that patience is about having, literally, a widened soul. What this meant was that we use the wisdom that we've gained through God's word and the Holy Spirit to enrich our understanding of the current situation so that we may be patient; so that we may have a widened soul.

As I attempt to work on school work this morning I am praying for a widened soul. The sell of our house has fallen through and after two months of working hard with a buyer, it's not going to happen. I am beginning an amazing new work opportunity where I get to use ALL of my giftings and talents, I am finishing up my last year of school, and I am relishing this time with our son Trent who is going to be three in August. Brett and I are also working hard to continue to grow in our love for each other by developing a "widened soul" in how we work, live and love with each other. I believe if he and I can make it through this time in our marriage, we will be so much stronger for it. And did I mention he just had back surgery unexpectedly two weeks ago? It has definitely been a crazy season and we don't have all of the "why's" answered. But I keep going back to Romans 5:2-5 for hope and encouragement. I know so many people go through much more difficult circumstances, and it isn't just a season for them. That fact alone is humbling and helps me stay focused on what's important: my relationship with God, with my husband, with my son and with friends and family.

I pray that on the other side of this season of life God will be glorified through all that is happening and that all will see how great is our God. I also pray that in the meantime God will provide for me a supernatural ability to focus on the things that are most important to Him and the things that will bring Him glory. I am grateful for God, for how He loves me, and that He loves me enough to teach me the lessons I will learn through this time.

Shew!

2011-03-15T06:55:00.000-07:00

What a couple of weeks it has been! I have definitely seen the effects of busy-ness on my diet. Not writing down what I eat was not bad at first because I had friends who were making efforts to clean up their eating and staying in communication with them helped me stay focused. But after things got really busy and I was not writing down my food, or staying accountable by verbally sharing with friends, my food intake increased and the quality of food I ate decreased.

This morning I have again began to journal my food intake on myfitnesspal.com and am looking forward to my workout later today! The days where I am not teaching a boot camp or Zumba can be tricky because I could easily rationalize the need for rest. However, I know that I need to actively rest in order to continue training my metabolism and my muscles!

I am already glad to be refocused on my fitness efforts!

Who is rubbing off on me?

2011-03-02T10:58:00.000-08:00

I realize now how important it is that I spend time with people who care about the things I care about so much that there's evidence of it in their lives. When I am with those who desire to better their health and fitness, it reminds me of my goal. When I begin to withdrawl from my relationship with God, I rely on the women around me to remind me of the Truth that I am unable to tell myself.

I am so grateful to God that he has continued to place women in my life who care about God, fitness, total health and family.

3.1.11 Happy PIG Day!

2011-03-01T05:04:00.000-08:00

Well, perhaps the only person outside of the midwest that gladly celebrates National Pig Day is my Mom. And the question remains, do you give the pig a break/holiday or do you celebrate by honoring pig offerings? Delicious, savory, bacon. However, some will argue that it is also National Share a Smile day ORRR National Peanut Butter Lovers day. So wrap some bacon around some peanut butter and SMILE!

In light of my efforts to Eat Clean, I won't be wrapping bacon around anything today and the only peanut butterish food I will be indulging in perhaps will be nice nut butter. In the meantime I'd like to share a few of the things and tips that are helping me in my efforts to stay focused on changing how I eat.

1. I don't obsess over calories. I am using myfitnesspal.com as accountability for what I put in my body. It does all of the calorie counting for me. Some of my friends and one long-distance cousin are linked to my profile and can see if I've logged my food and how I am doing in light of my goals. Also, this link will show you how much protien, how many carbs, and how much fat you have taken in for the day and where you might need to make adjustments.

2. I have a Polar Heart Rate monitor that lets me see as I am exercising just how much effort I am exerting. It also does a calorie count that I can enter into myfitnesspal.com so I can see how much more food I need to take in so that my body doesn't go into semi-starvation mode. This is also helpful when I am teaching classes. Some days the work feels much more intense than it really is. And delivering a class that consistently meets the needs of members is important to me. I also like to be able to be able to track when it is time to allow our heart rates to recover so that no one passes out. That's always a good thing to avoid.

3. I have friends and family supporting me. It just recently occured to me that I don't have to bother one person all of the time with my growing pains. I can bug an ENTIRE TRI-STATE AREA! Just joking. By allowing my family and friends speak into this process, I make myself available to constructive feedback, positive reinforcement, and resources to succeed that I may have otherwise been isolated from. Research shows that when we have social support we are much more likely to achieve our goals and I BELIEVE IT!

4. There are a few simple tips that I cling to daily:

eat within the hour after I wake up
eat 6 small meals all day: a carb and a protein
eat an hour before you workout
eat an hour after you workout
log food into myfitnesspal.com throughout the day
put my goals up around the house on post-its so i am reminded what i am working toward
engage friends and family in the process
plan meals ahead of time (this one I am working on TODAY)!

That's all for now. I pray this finds you well, wherever you are in your life. Feel free to share advice, suggestion, feedback, or your personal fitness story here.

2.25.11: Nap, Water, or Food?

2011-02-25T20:09:00.000-08:00

Today at about 3p Trent went down for his nap and to be honest, I should have too. I was exhausted but felt the pressure to work on my paper for school. So instead of grabbing a glass of water, lying down for a nap, and resting I grabbed the last small piece of homemade apple pie and plopped on the comfy couch for some good Real Housewives action. Why not feed my soul the same garbage I'm feeding my body, ay? Living at Mom and Dad's house is going to be VERY helpful and VERY convenient in many ways, but eliminating some of the bad food in the house will really help me stay focused. I'm going to have to gently reform my families LIFELONG eating habits. I hope I don't get us kicked out before we have a new home!

While that was today's fail, today's win was a note from Nancy that reminded me that mile caloric intake goal is set waaaaaaay too low. This was very helpful to learn b/c shooting for 1200 calories on a day when I am not doing any activity to expend energy is difficult! She also reminded me to have my meals ready for between workouts and classes I'm teaching and for on my way home. This should help me avoid the triple pounders (honestly it didn't even taste that good when I was eating it, I would have rather had a burger I made myself)!

I'm looking forward to starting tomorrow off at the gym with the family. Brettly is getting a membership to Gold's so he can workout early in the morning and we can workout together! I am really looking forward to our workouts together. I also am going to drink a lot more water tomorrow.

There was a big temptation not to be honest with myself about what I ate today on myfitnesspal.com. But I am really glad I was honest so that tomorrow I can start fresh and new with my ultimate goal of living a thoroughly healthy life in place.

2.24.11

2011-02-24T10:56:00.000-08:00

So far today has gone well. I woke up and ate a great breakfast and have eaten "clean" all day up to now. I also set a goal to have both of my discussion board posts done by noon and did it! We are reading in James chapter 2 in small group and I see how all of this is tying together. James, the brother of Jesus warns us against having faith without works and that it is impossible for either to survive independently. This reflects the physical concepts of eating well and staying active. One with out the other is not wellness. And for me to be liberated to serve God, I have to keep faith that God will complete the work he started in me whiiiiiile I work on getting healthier. I am seeing that at this stage, this effort requires constant prayer and keeping God's word IN MY HEART (in case my Bible is not close by) so that I can call on the wisdom of God to get through the cravings and addictions.

Tonight Zumba class was so much fun. But on my way I realized that while Zumba is an excellent physical release, I've also been relying on it to be my mental/emotional/spiritual release. On my way to class I was thinking about yesterday, my third pounder, and why I chose the temptation over wellness. It was then that I remembered that JUST before I started the first bootcamp I got some bad news from the hubs. This was a marital stressor kind of conversation. I didn't pray about it before going off to teach and did not take my hurt, frustrations, and anxiety to God before going on with my job. This loneliness that stewed in my heart for three hours, I believe, is a big part of the reason I was so vulnerable to the tempting comfort of food. It also made me aware that I really must pray to God minute by minute, being 100% genuine with what's on my heart so he can fight for me and I can find my security in him, not being wavered by circumstance.

Tonight after class was much better and my stats for the day are MUCH better! Myfitnesspal.com has been a huge help in keeping me on task with not overeating and seeing what is and is not most effective in my quest. And now, I am with clean conscience going to go have some spinach, hummus and taboule (my favorites)!

2.23.11

2011-02-23T19:12:00.000-08:00

It started at 6a when I silenced my iPod alarm that was set to “Savior Please”. Nice, right? So I didn’t get up and go work out early this morning like I had decided to at midnight the night before. Usually at midnight is when all of my great plans for the next day unfold. And 6a is usually when the foundation of those plans crumbles. Even though I didn’t meet my first goal, I had a Mom’s get together that I was looking forward to so my spirit could not be that easily stifled this morning. I ate a great breakfast [spinach frittata, with bits of turkey bacon and 2 tbsp of taboule]. I packed a great snack and was on my way to a healthy day. I did well all the way up to baking cookies for a bake sale and then had two cookies. And then the worst was after I taught two boot camps that I partially participated in I got the craving. It started and pressed in until I caved. I ended up getting a third-pounder at McDonald’s AS A MEAL. I ate it quickly, felt sick, nibbled on some fries and sipped a little diet coke. Eating the burger quieted the raging beast of an addiction within me. But then, the beast’s sidekicks of guilt and shame joined me on my ride home as I thought about how many calories void of nutritious value I had just consumed. They eagerly reminded me of the workout I would not be doing when I got home, how bad I would feel when I saw my husband, and that I could cover it all up by eating whatever had been prepared for dinner that night at home. I am not kidding or exaggerating at all., these are the thoughts that have gone through my mind since 7:30p.

Now is the critical moment. Will I chose to talk to God about it and get real with myself and my husband about my addiction? Or, do it all over again tomorrow? I think I will enter my food for the day in myfitnesspal.com, get on my knees and thank God for his forgiveness, ask God to renew my faith in him and to help me rest my hope not in my own will-power, but in him. It’s interesting that we read James 1 last week for small group and myself in James reference to the person who sees their own reflection and does nothing about the problems that need to be fixed. I desire to seek God with my whole heart and allow him to show me what I need to do to fix this addiction, I do not want to live in denial any longer.

10 minutes later:
Goal Caloric Intake: 1200 calories
Actual Caloric Intake: 2119 calories
Exercise: 400 calories expended

As you can see I am 500 calories over for my goal today. Is it the end of the world? No. Do I need to be more focused? Yes.

I am equipped with my EAT-CLEAN DIET Recharged by Tosca Reno, my Polar Heart Rate Monitor Watch (Brand New), and myfitnesspal.com. It is time, my friends. It is time.

Being More Transparent

2011-02-23T19:01:00.000-08:00

A long time ago I was called with affection, “Thunder Thighs”. I was two years old, so I am sure that it was done with no ill intentions. Who would have thought it was a prophetic name? Today, at thirty, that nickname couldn’t seem more appropriate.

My addiction to food, really bad-for-you food, has brought me to a place of awe and frustration. I am in awe of my inability to resist the call of a fast-food burger and completely frustrated with the oxy-moron that is my life. I am a fitness professional that loves awful food. I do not practice consistently what I preach and the proof is in the pudding (and the pudding is in my thighs)!

I don’t have a desire to tell anyone about this; except that I know I need accountability. If I do not have something that I must be accountable to on a consistent basis, I will never be completely real with myself or those I love. This is my attempt at consistent transparency so that I can realize who it is God desires me to be. This addiction to food is what keeps me from serving and loving God, my husband, my son and those God places in my life. I keep trying to force food to meet desires and needs in my live that are Devine. Food is just energy for me to LIVE and I long to appreciate it for what it is.

It is no coincidence that my struggle is with eating and seeing myself as something that was fearfully and wonderfully made. Joining “Thunder Thighs” is “The Fat Cheerleader” or “The Cheerleader with the Fat Thighs Wearing Short-Shorts”. The last two were by the football coach of my Jr. High School (done in front of the ENTIRE team) and my Vice PrinciPAL at High School. She wasn’t reprimanding me, she said she was just making a joke and that I didn’t really need to change. My principal told me everyone gets picked on, “They use to pick on my ears,” he said.

My husband and I have vices that play off of one another and if we aren’t intentional, they will leave us feeling lonely, pursuing isolation, and lead us toward tendencies of depression. I know we aren’t the only ones. I know I am not alone. And if I said I was posting this so that others would grow that would be a lie. I am posting this so that I may grow through this and come out on the other side in VICTORY able and equipped to better love and serve God.
If you ARE reading this, and this does speak to your heart, feel free to reach out to me and grow with me. I praise my Creator, God, who loves me just as I am and loves you, too. And I know that my ONLY hope is in Him. Without him, I’ll still be running for the Big Macs wondering when it’s ever going to end.

I have taken up enough space in the blogosphere with not a main purpose. My hope is for the following entries to accurately portray my struggle with an addiction to food and the hope that can only be found in God.

Listening.

2010-08-04T13:09:00.000-07:00

We just got home from vacation Saturday and although it's now Wednesday, I still feel like I'm catching up on rest! We had a house full of family and friends and four lively kids to keep us all on our toes the entire week.

It's good to be home, but waiting at home for us was some sadness that my family and I were able to avoid while at Ocean Isle. Our dear neighbor and friend, Don Ranelli, passed away on Sunday, August 1st.

I grew up in a neighborhood where you knew/know each others names, pets names, schedules, habits, lives, favorite color...you get the idea. And I never realized how special this was until I moved away to college.

Mr. Ranelli use to call my brother at Christmas posing as Santa Claus and worked on the board of directors with my Mom to open the Summit Point Public Library. And although he battled with cancer for 15 years, he never let go of his desire to serve there on the board. His daughter Lisa and I were talking at the viewing, which was wonderful until I remembered why we were reunited. She simply said, "If there's any advice I can offer from this, it's to spend a lot of time with your Dad."

Our first Sunday back, the neighbor on our other side, Keith, came over with his wife (crazy to say he has a wife when I still keep him at age five) to tell us that hospice was coming and they don't give his Mom more than this week and next to live. This isn't a surprise. Roma's been battling cancer for 18 years. But it's just hard to face.

I've successfully avoided the heartache of our little community by going to college, getting married, having a child, staying away.

Brett and I watched the first episode of the Tony Robins show last night. Go ahead, make fun. We did too until we found ourselves applying what we had watched in conversation and looking at areas that we could grow in.

We both walked away from that show realizing how grateful we want to be. For each other, for our beautiful boy, for our families, our home, our job, school, oxygen, salvation. It reminded me, there's so much to look at when counting flaws, but there's way more to look at when counting blessings. So I gained five pounds last week, I can walk and breath.

I thank God for bringing to the forefront this life lesson by celebrating the lives of others who are so strong.

I'm grateful. I'm listening.

fear

2010-02-15T11:12:00.000-08:00

i hate that i let fear determine so much of my life. even what i write on here is often censored by fear. i'm pretty open about my experiences but i also understand that this blog might be hard to read because the content can be pretty heavy and also, how painful it must be to read about someone experiencing the same struggle over and over and over again. so whoever is out there still patient enough to bare through these post, thank you.

i have been trusting God more and more in my life and really leaning on him to supply the truth that takes residence in my mind and wait for him to guide my tounge. it has been so refreshing and wonderful. it seems God was drawing me to him so i'd be willing to lean on him when i got hit with an emotional bomb last night. i won't disclose all of the details, but it pains me not to have more encouraging content in this post.

i've been praying. i got enough sleep and i've eaten well today so that i can handle this as best as i can, but i am super weak right now.

in spite of circumstances, i am grateful for God and his love. i'm grateful that He cared enough to share his Spirit with me to carry me through this time and that Jesus, his Son, is the model for how to live through all that i'll experience in this life.

i wish i had a lighter something to share, but i feel i should be as authentic as possible. i will praise You in this storm.

Today!

2010-02-12T19:25:00.000-08:00

I don't typically blog at night, but tonight I want to share the good of the day.

I prayed that God would draw me near and help me eliminate distractions in my life and he did. My time reading the Bible wasn't as serene and focused as I desired, but it was good. I found a great study on Proverbs 31 and started from there. I don't see Proverbs 31 as a reminder of my shortcomings but rather as evidence of a women with a heart for God. The study this morning reminded me that not all women desiring to be all they can be will come out looking like the lady(or ladies) described in that chapter. It also emphasized that in order to know what I'm like when I'm my best for God, I must spend time with Jesus and get familiar with his mindset, priorities and love.

Throughout the day I felt the Holy Spirit helping me make better decisions about how to best use my time and it's evident in the amount of things that I was able to accomplish. It's true, spending time with Jesus does not mean I'm being lazy, spending time with Jesus is the most productive thing I could do with my day!

I'm so grateful that there is a God who loves me enough to want a relationship with me, no matter how many times I don't return His calls or tell him I love Him. I pray that tomorrow will be more Christ-centered than today and that the Holy Spirit will continue to guide me throughout my day as I live out God's priorities for my life.

AJ: [rocker fist pumpin] "Here I go again on my own..."

2010-02-12T08:08:00.000-08:00

That darn White Snake song will not leave my head! I have been pretty overwhelmed lately with the things that I'm responsible for in life. I've pretty much checked out during the critical days and feel paralysis taking over me because I don't even know where to begin.

Last night when I was trying to fall asleep I could not make myself quiet down. I kept running through my mind all of my responsibilities and consequently, all of my inadequacies. Brett just said, "Pray about it."

Whoa! It was like no one had ever told me that I could pray before. Why hadn't I thought of that? As soon as I began to share with God my schedule, my activities and my concerns over doing too much, I fell asleep.

I'm not promoting prayer as a sleep aid. In fact, I do remember being told to hold my hand straight-up, over my face so when I fall asleep during my nightly prayers it will wake me back up. Anyway, what I am realizing again, that I keep trying to do everything on my own without God. Talking to Him about my life, responsibilities, desires to grow and change and trusting Him to guide me and provide for me the means to stay in his will is something that feels foreign lately.

If you don't mind, please pray for my spiritual growth and my for my relationship with God to deepen. I want to want HIM more.

psychoanalysis

2010-01-31T11:59:00.000-08:00

as i started to review sigmund freud's theory of psychoanalysis, i kept asking myself, "why do we use such dated, ridiculous information?" some of the underlying principles of freud's psychoanalysis are far-reaching and radical (in a bad way). however, some i find to be presently applicable.

i get defensive and project onto others what i don't like about myself and i also react in the opposite manner than what my instinct desires. for example, if i'm jealous i'll congratulate someone because i know that is the "right" response rather than express the bitterness of my true feelings.

so what i have determined is that i will still work toward a response to my feelings that pleases Jesus instead of my carnal response. and i will ALSO (this is the biggy) work toward understanding the root of my jealousy, anger or resentment. this will, according to psychoanalysis, allow me to think through the cause of my issue and work toward a behavioral/attitude change rather than rely on my natural, unconscious response. the word "work" was used a lot here! i don't think that is coincidence (maybe just my shallow vocabulary).

in summary, i will no longer accept the "right response" as my standard of living and loving but will strive toward a righteous, healthy heart and mind.

2010-01-21T07:30:00.000-08:00

I am very convicted this morning by Galations 6. It was a great reminder to live for Christ and not for myself. Pride is a tricky thing that can make us (me) do foolish things in attempt to continue feeding the beast that it is. I'm grateful to be reminded that my life is alive when I'm in community, sharing the needs of others and bringing glory to God, not myself.

Here's what I read (I read both the NIV and The Message) in the Message version of the Bible:

Galatians 6
Nothing but the Cross 1-3 Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ's law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived.
4-5Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don't be impressed with yourself. Don't compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.
6Be very sure now, you who have been trained to a self-sufficient maturity, that you enter into a generous common life with those who have trained you, sharing all the good things that you have and experience.
7-8Don't be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he'll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God's Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life.
9-10So let's not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith.

Children

2009-12-31T06:25:00.000-08:00

The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children (NIV, Rom. 8:16).

This morning Trent reminded me that we are God's children. As I watched Trent reorganize our cabinets I smiled. He did things the hard way, dropped stuff, got frustrated, but kept at it and the end result was a stuffed, messy cabinet.

We still clapped and cheered when he was done because he's learning to put things back where they belong and that should be celebrated! It was humbling to think this is how God sees a lot of my attempts to "reorganize" or refocus my life. I drop stuff, forget stuff, hurt others, cram as much in as possible and I imagine God with his hand over his face watching through the cracks of his fingers as I fumble around trying to make things right. And like Trent's, the end result is more messy than when I started!

If I, God's child, just spent more time with Him, I bet he'd show me all I need to know about the order of my life.

However...

2009-10-27T11:25:00.000-07:00

BUT, we can work to change and overcome that set-point. But it takes hard work. I'd like to think I'm in the midst of hard work and soon my set-point will change.

homeostasis

2009-10-21T21:14:00.000-07:00

I think that much like our physical beings, our mental, spiritual and emotional beings have a set-point. A homeostasis if you will. We are comfortable at certain levels regardless of how healthy or unhealthy this place of being may be. And we will, like our bodies, fight to stay there.

Work

2009-10-18T20:21:00.000-07:00

Today I received an encouraging email from a friend who reminded me that it's constant work to juggle everything. I'm grateful she used the word "work."

Sometimes I often think "It's a struggle to juggle!" That could be a really pathetic rap song for Moms. But I wouldn't want to produce it because the lyrics sound not only ridiculous and cheesy, but also cumbersome. I like the thought of work. I like the reward of hard work. And I think there is hope in growth that is produced through work.

Well, that's all for now. Night night!

Dramatic!

2009-08-25T05:32:00.000-07:00

I guess Jonah had a flare for the dramatic! I mean, in Chapter 4 he actually told God he "angry enough to die." Not angry at an unrepentent people, not angry at sin. Jonah was angry at God's compassion and then that anger was compounded by a vine that God gave and took away.

It seems like such a limited perspective that Jonah has there at the end of the book but I can relate. When I pray and things don't go the way I thought they should I get upset, angry and hurt.

On Sunday my brother Casey, for the first time in years, went to church with us WILLINGLY. I was so excited that he might experience a bit of God's love and be moved to accept God's gift of grace and eternal life that I wasn't prepared for what was going to happen.

Casey endured the service uncomfortable all the while. And at the end with tears in his eyes he looked at me with a soft heart. My eyes teared up a bit, too. Whether his tears were from joy or pain, I didn't know. I just told him I loved him.

Without all of the details, something stirred Casey's heart and spirit. Was it the Holy Spirit knocking at the door of his heart? I don't know. But when I felt hurt by Casey's words in the car my heart's response was much like Jonah's. I was limited in my perspective and did not understand what had happened. I still don't. But what I do know is that God has a plan. I know a little of what Jonah was feeling when God said to him, "You have been concerned for this vine, but you did not tend it or make it grow."

My job is now what it was before. To love Casey, stand firm in God's word and truth and pray for Casey to feel that love and accept the salvation God's trying to give him.

Just another day.

2009-08-20T05:52:00.000-07:00

Today feels like just another day that is going to kick my butt! Sorry for the pesimism!

I've just struggled to get things done around the house and be as efficient as I would like. I'm going to detox from facebook for a while and I think that will help me stay focused on what needs to get done. The TV has been off for almost a month now and that has certainly helped me be more effective in my home but I still am struggling to just get things done.

Maybe today will be different but if not...what do I do?! How do I break this getting nowhere fast habit? Other Mommies please chime in and I'll let you know tomorrow if I was able to manage things any better!

Jonah!

2009-08-19T08:05:00.000-07:00

Brett and I read Jonah chapter 1 together last night and a few things caught our attention. One, Jonah ran from God. A prophet, whose job it was to be sensitive to God and had the understanding of consequences when and if you were disobedient, RAN from God. And two, the struggles and ultimately the repentence that Jonah experienced literally turned him around (via the giant fish) and headed him back toward Nineveh to do what God had called him to do in the first place.

What a picture of God's grace in light of such blatent disobedience. In chapter two I read Jonah's prayer and realize there are some key words there that Jonah uses. He talks about not experience God's grace because of our attention and devotion to other idols. What idols do I have in my life that keep me from knowing and feeling the grace of God? He also says that Salvation comes from the Lord. So in times of confusion, fear and frustration I'm going to remember these two things: I could be robbing myself of the grace of God by putting other idols first and that salvation only comes from the Lord. I can't save myself.

On my way...

2009-08-17T06:23:00.000-07:00

Into another week! I feel good about our new church membership at Harvest Pointe Community Church and am feeling super blessed God has led us there.

I pray my heart will be soft this week to God and all he is trying to reveal to me about myself and the world around me. I pray that Brett, Trent and I will be the love that was so freely given to us.

It's been a while.

2009-08-13T22:22:00.000-07:00

I've been really unfaithful with my blog. I just find enough time in my day to do what I need to and then what I don't need to on facebook, check my hotmail and then before I know it, Trent's naptime is over and the laundry is still staring at me.

So here it is 1:30 in the am and I'm still up! I don't feel well, but can't sleep and didnt' want to keep Brettly up while I toss and turn.

I'm sad that the Kids Zumba summer session 2 is over. The kids are such a bright spot in my week! One little boy so innocently tugged on my pants and when I kneeled down, he wiped my sweaty hair out of my face and held my face in his hands. It reminded me of when the Lost Boys (in "HOOK") were checkin' out Peter Pan and then one little boy pulled at his face and cupped his chin. After this little guy held my face he gave me a kiss on the cheek and said thanks. It was so sweet! I'll definitely have to do another session in the fall when I get back from the Zumba conference. I'll then be officially certified in ZUMBATOMIC (Kids Zumba) and hopefully have much more to offer the little zumbies!

I've been accepted to the Masters in Professional (Christian) Counseling program at Liberty University and start taking classes on Sept. 21st.

I have only told a hand-full of people about this and I think it's mostly because I can't believe it's actually happening! I had so many plans and ideas about how this was going to work and then it didn't. So I guess I finally let my grip on my life plan loosen up and this is just amazing to me how God is working. He's reminded me, through a LOVELY and UNEXPECTED gal, that I love to listen, apply scripture, pray and help. This has definitely been welcomed refreshment in my hectic life. I guess, too, I feel like I don't deserve for this to work out. I haven't done anything recently to be more Godly or to pursue this path other than apply...and even saying that I feel like I'm exposing myself. And I worry that others will think the same, that I don't deserve this and what kind of counsel could I possibly give to anyone b/c I'm a wreck. Satan is such a good liar whether or not people chose to be vehicles for those lies.

"In everything give thanks" and I'm pretty sure there something that mentions avoiding foolish talk. So, I give thanks. Sure I don't deserve this life. Jesus gave it to me and I'm grateful. Without him, I'm nothing. Without him, I'm dead. WITH him, I can be alive. Alive in my profession, alive as a wife, alive as a mother and free to be GRATEFUL for all that I have in Jesus.

Amen (and as my dear friend Debby says) "and Amen"

Why can't we just love?

2009-05-22T07:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, it seems that the more years I add to my new life in Christ the more easy it becomes to get caught up in Christianity than to be caught up in Jesus.

Breaking down what people say by whether or not they are biblically sound instead of just LISTENING to them and loving them is a habit that comes to mind. Or analyzing someone else's sin instead of seeing them the way God does is another bad tendency.

The saddest part about my quest to be more "Christian" is that I get trapped between trying to get it right and feeling guilty because I don't. And ultimately, it seperates me from others and sabotages exactly what God's desire is for my life...to be in relationship. The worst is when I sacrafice my relationship with God to chase Christianity and religion.

It's all about

2009-05-20T20:45:00.000-07:00

Relationship! I'm reading The Shack and in fact am driving my husband mad because I read it before bed when he's ready to tuck in for the night.

Now that I'm 'getting' it I can't put it down. There was a turning point for me with the book where I started to really connect to Mack the main character. I am now beginning to see some of the HUGE truths that are packed into this not-so-long paperback book.

The number one truth I'm meditating on now is relationship. God wants to be in relationship with us. God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit want to be as close to me as I'll allow them to be. And even more, God is "especially fond" of lots of people and I should be, too. It's encouraging me to be available for other people in conversation and time. I definitely am glad to be reminded of the need for good listeners in this world where there are so many who are hurting.

If you get the chance, check it out. The Shack by William P. Young

Shew!

2009-05-17T20:32:00.000-07:00

What a blogging break it has been. It seems that blogging, like everything else, is easier to "keep up with" than to start or restart.

It feels like not a lot is going on while so much is going on all at once. Regardless things are going well and I'm joyful! Here's a pic to share some of my joy with you!

Blogging Break!

2009-03-23T10:48:00.000-07:00

When our computer at home is fixed I'll be blogging again...I miss it!!!

2009-02-07T12:42:00.001-08:00

i just wanted to say how wonderful it was today when i commited to God the plans/desires of my heart how he took care of everything. sometimes it's hard to remember that God is and should be the reason why i do what i do. i'm glad he teaches and reteaches me these things all the time!

hard drive

2009-02-03T07:56:00.001-08:00

today i tried to turn on the computer and was really concerned i had done something bad yesterday when trying to create more storage space. it wouldn't start. it wouldn't move past the black screen with a LOT of initials and symbols i didn't understand.

i called the IT guy at WVU b/c they know the computer best and he guided me through troubleshooting the problem. "hit F12, read the screen, look for HD, turn it off, flip it over, on the bottom left there should be your hard drive, wiggle it a little and firmly secure it in its spot."

the screw holding the hard drive in is MISSING!

it reminded me of my faith. i can't even power up if my hard drive is loose. what or WHO is my hard drive? is it me? or is God located at the center of my heart? in order to function properly it is CRITICAL for God to have his right place in my heart. i can claim verses like "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." but if the screw is missing, if my fellowship with God is non-existent, then i'm not powered by him, i'm powered by me. God can be present in my heart and mind, but just like the hard drive if he is not directly secured in the proper position as KING and FATHER to be Lord of my heart then I WON'T WORK!!!! and then i'm left to wonder, "what did i do to screw it up? why isn't this LIFE working for me?!" fortunately, like the IT guy, there are seasoned believers at my fingertips who can help guide me to the One that makes it all work. they help me put the screw back in, reconnect with God and begin to feel the joy of living for God.

repentence

2009-01-13T12:22:00.000-08:00

The more I grow the more I learn repentence is necessary and beautiful. Sometimes it's emotionally taxing and sometimes it's just the right response to my sin. No matter how I experience repentence the outcome is always the same: a clean slate with God and a new beginning in Christ.

After my last blog I confessed my sins to Brett and asked him to hold my hand and pray with me. I wasn't asking Brett to repent for me, I just needed accountibility in my repentence. I knew that there was a lot of emotional build up that was waiting to come out and I needed support as I sought out God's grace.

Now I realize that if I'm faithful to clean my slate with God often it's a lot less emotionally taxing and a lot easier to refocus on the life God has for me to live.

Stacy Santon once said it's like cereal in a bowl. If you don't rinse your bowl out right away the cereal can get really hard and becomes more and more difficult to clean. So if I immediately repent, my heart doesn't get quite as hard and I can enjoy more of your time with God, instead of running from what the Holy Spirit is calling me to do.

2009-01-09T19:48:00.000-08:00

i hesitate to blog some days b/c it does occur to me that other people read it and what i want to express or write about might startle others, offend others or worse yet...reveal some of the ugliness that is in my heart, mind and life.

i guess things i think or do in the quiet spots of life aren't that bad, but they are rough enough that i hesitate to expose them to anyone! like, i'm embarassed to be honest about the same struggle, again and again. i hate admitting that i fight laziness and overeating on a daily basis. worse yet, i hate admitting that lately eight times out of ten i lose those battles. ireally want those areas of my life to be purified so that i can flippin glorify God. and sometimes, i really strive hard to listen for the Holy Spirit as my conscience, and other times i'll smother it with sleep, TV, chips and dip or some fried something that i stuff down my throat. then comes the guilt. the guilt, the condemnation, mood swings and hopefully repentence. but i guess that is the WORST part, sometimes i forget to repent. or i feel SOOOOO guilty that i hate to admit that i need or should have the sweet release of repentence and grace. i feel like i should exist in muck as my punishment for disobedience. or i try to fix it myself. i've tried bullemia for my overeating. i've had super diets written for me and i've exercised. i've made checklist to redirect my actions and relied on the since of accomplishment to move past my shortcomings.

but the problems are still there. i never grew from them and so i still battled with them no more equipped than when i first was introduced to the temptation.

this ugly, hideous cycle has me right now and i have got to give it up. but here's the thing. this isn't the last time i'm going to be tested in these areas of my life and if i fail, then i have to repent again and it just hurts.

but what i need to remember that if i don't do the "about face" then i'm going to have this residual yuckiness in my heart just weighing down my spirit.

tonight i will repent. tomorrow, i get to start new. thank God for all he has done and just by releasing the way i feel about the situation on this blog has helped me see what i need to do.

Not sure yet.

2009-01-05T11:59:00.000-08:00

Man, I'm not gonna lie! I am tired! At least my eyes are tired. Every time I use my eye makeup remover it makes my eyelids feel heavy and it's funny that I didn't notice this a minute ago when I was checking my facebook profile and now that I'm attempting to read scripture I just can't keep them open!

I'm not sure why I've stopped at the passage below. Perhaps because I'm a little sleepy and need something strong to jog my mind and stir my heart. I'm not reading it from the perspective of a feminist, and I certainly am not using a patriarchal lense of understanding. But now that I've said that, God is my father. So what would be wrong with a patrairchal view? If it's a Godly view then it's right. I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm going to have to read some more about this scripture. In the meantime, I know that I'm not suppose to get in the way of the truth as a woman and as a follower of Christ. I'll gather more later and let it marinate for now.

1 Timothy 2:9-15

9I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, 10but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.
11A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. 12I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent. 13For Adam was formed first, then Eve. 14And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. 15But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue love and holiness with propriety.

GOOD MORNING!

2009-01-03T03:49:00.000-08:00

FINALLY! I got up before Trent woke up and stayed up after feeding him! I didn't even get to bed when I wanted to last night! I guess I'm so excited because even though I'm 28 years old I still struggle with getting up as early as I'd like to in the mornings.

Today I get to do a few of my favorite things. I get to personally train a lady who desires to make major changes in her life and I get to teach ZUMBA! I miss teaching Zumba more through the week but I definitely see how I'm less burnt out teaching only once on Saturdays. If I begin to teach more often I'll have to think back to this time where I was dying to teach more and be grateful.

I think life is like that. If I had to get up early every day I'd be over it. But the fact that it was a decision I made and stuck with it makes me so happy. That's the joy in obedience I'm experiencing I suppose. So to avoid burnout in life, I should probably continue to be obedient in the little things God presents to me so that I can constantly experience a unique, refreshing joy that makes each day brand new!

“For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age,” Titus 2:11-12

At church last Sunday Pastor Mark talked about the "present evil age" in Galations. I imagine that "evil" could be used to describe "present age" in this scripture as well. It is not easy to live a Godly life today. But as I'm learning things that are not easy, are most worth it. And the harder I work in the little things to achieve what is not easy, the more joy I experience. So if I live in God's grace, and learn little by little, to say "No" to ungodliness, the more joy I'll have in my heart and the more effective I'll be for bringing God glory.

AMEN and AMEN!

Still trying...

2009-01-02T08:03:00.000-08:00

Seems like the more I determine in my mind that I want to do something the more opposition or resistence I face. Like getting up earlier than usual, for example. I really want to get up earlier and last night I was ready for bed at 9p but Trent was not. He typically gets sleepy and I can put him in bed right away with a little crying but last night he cried for 30 minutes! I finally went up to calm him down and tried a little of everything before I got him to sleep. Finally we both laid side by side on his floor as I read to him. He was calm enough to look at the pages and listen and then finally, flopped himself onto his tummy, found his thumb, and fell asleep. It was 9:45p by this time.

Back to bed only to find my husband is in a ton of pain. The steroids he's taking for his bum neck (i.e. displaced disc) were causing him to have a migrain headache. He moaned for hours. I massaged his neck and back, scratched his back, got him some ibuprofren (which I don't know if you're suppose to take with the pills he's taking). We tried everything...EVERYTHING!

Finally by 12:3Oa I was asleep. I'm not sure what time Brett finally was asleep but I couldn't wait any longer!

All this to say I had the best intentions of rising early to take care of things but I didn't get up until 9:ooa! I could feel bad about missing the mark and then be lazy in guilt all day long, but instead I think I'll give it to God and let him make the most of today and try to get to bed at a better time tonight!

Most things in life that are worth it take some hard work, time, and thought. It's great to have ideals about how I want things to be but the catch is making my actions throughout the day line up with those goals. It's amazing to me how often I look at my day only to find that my actions do not reflect the desires I have for me and my family.

One day at a time, through God's direction, I will keep trying and hopefully be refreshed at the end of my life to see how much growth I've experienced.

Proverbs 31

2008-12-30T09:09:00.000-08:00

Just for fun (haha) I felt led to read Proverbs 31 today. Not to beat myself up, but more to be reminded of what I am striving toward. I really want to be "worth more than rubies (or diamonds)" to my husband and son. And for an even more sobering effect, I am reading in The Message translation.

Well, I could take away that I need to pick up sewing and knitting but I don't think that's really the main point, even though it is mentioned in various ways throughout this passage. What I do see thought, is that this woman has a great talent in knitting and sewing and is very resourceful with this talent while maintaining the rest of her household. My talent is not necessarily sewing my own clothes, but I do like fitness and Zumba. I also care about the emotional healing of people. I can use those talents resourcefully to contribute to the world and the betterment of my home.

She wakes before dawn! Enough said! I sometimes (especially feeling the holiday hangover) don't want to wake before noon! So noon's a stretch but still, morning is a time that I long to savor but instead I struggle to get up to enjoy it. I have experienced what it is like to wake up and help Brett get going and then set myself up for success by organizing my day. But for some reason, when I'm still half asleep, I find it so hard to reason with myself that it's far better to get going than to get an extra hour or two of sleep.

And it's not just about "maintainance" in her home. She takes that extra special time to put her touch of love into the home by seeking "exotic surprises." Her husband trusts her to take care of things, as a husband should be able to do.

I could be overwhelmed with this praise of the wonderful wife that I should be, but I am not going to let that happen. I think instead I'm going to start by "facing the day with a smile." This is big for me. Lately I've been more easily toppled over by the events of the day. I've been super sensative to those around me that aren't as loving as I think people should be. I have hope. I have peace. I just need to remember where that true hope and peace come from and smile...no matter what!

ACCIDENT

2008-12-21T19:10:00.000-08:00

How many times a day do I have an "accident"? Was it really an accident or was it suppose to happen for a purpose greater than we initially realize? As of 3am this morning, I had a non-accident car accident. But this one was different from any other I've had. I've never felt this way after an accident. (Yes, I realize it is pathetic that I have a "norm" response to vehicular accidents because I've been in so many.)

For starters, when I have an accident it's usually big with a pretty steep consequence. Either a totalled car, a fine for speeding, an injured pedestrian (that one really wasn't my fault), or an at least, an increase in insurance premiums. Whether the "accidents" have been my fault or not, I've usually had to stop or at least SLOW DOWN not just while driving, but in life, to figure out what did I do wrong or what is it that God is calling attention to in my life. And sometimes, I've had to assess how God is attempting to use me in this situation. Even with the pedestrian in Morgantown, who ran out from behind an oncoming Mac truck and in front of my car, I had to realize that God wanted me to slow down in life in general. He wanted me to put away the diet pills that I overused in attempt to "do it all", honestly look at my heart, and eliminate anything else that was displeasing to him.

Last night I was leaving from a fun night with my girlfriends, Jenny and Allison, which is a rarity these days. I had laughed a lot and got to see some long lost friends like Jenni and Courtney. It was a great time, catching up with them, and it was wonderful to just be with them. Brett was o.k. with it and had a night in with Trent. It seemed as though all was well. After several hours of hanging out it was time to call it a night. I got a text from my cousin, met up with him before leaving Shepherdstown just to say hi. I was exhausted and still had an hour drive home to Winchester. As I walked to the truck, it began raining ice. But it was light so I thought as soon as it hit the road it would melt and typically I don't scare easy when attempting to drive in inclement weather. I got a coffee at Sheetz to help me stay alert and warm, set the radio to my favorite country station and headed home.

I made it to 81S all the way from Martinsburg to the first Winchester exit to 37W. I was on 37 for a couple of miles and as I headed over the 522 overpass my wheels hit ice. The very light, back end of the truck swerved to the right sending me into the left guard rail. I slid across the fast lane into the guard rail where my front left bumper hit and then the rest of the bumper hit. This propelled the truck into a 180 as I continued to slide facing against the traffic. I then slid backwards back across the slow lane and into the ditch where I slid for another 20 feet until I was smacked up against the tree line. I was leaning against the trees on the downhill slope afraid to move.

I didn't scream, I didn't cry, I just was a little shaken. Where did this peace come from? I was certain by the sound of the guardrail hitting the front of the truck and the trees slamming into my side that the truck was totalled. I called 911 and they sent a Virginia state trooper. I called Brett and he stayed put with Trent who was sleeping. If the cop couldn't bring me home then I'd have to call my Mom or Dad. I didn't want Trent out on the roads. 20 minutes later the trooper arrived and assisted me out of the truck. I sat with him for an hour in his car waiting for the tow company. I learned he went to Jefferson High School, like me, and had been a cop for 22 years. He's expecting a grandson any day and didn't like working in D.C.. He worked near the monuments and museums and felt like he was more of a tour guide than anything else. I learned it's hard to keep up with current legislation to know what law it is your suppose to uphold, you just have to use discernment to detect if something is not right and then look it up. And I learned that sometimes, being a cop is rewarding. I also found out his nephew went to my Mom's last elementary school and so did his daughter. Honestly, he wasn't a talker, I just think he was obliging my questions so I wouldn't worry so much about the damage that was done to the car or what could have happened to me.

The tow truck arrived. They pulled the truck out from the back, removed a couple branches, turned it around for me and I drove home. No totalled frame, no axles broken, no busted wheels, not a window broken or a light busted. Just some scratches to the paint and a bent bumper in the front. I drove away from that accident without a broken bone, scratch or bruise. Why?

Was it an accident? I don't think so. Sure I didn't mean or plan to slide across an icy bridge but I know there was a purpose. And until I type it out, I won't be able to sleep.

I have been wasteful with my time, and playing my Christian life like it's a game. I sin a little, I repent, I sin some more, I repent again. I think about a bigger purpose and the plan God may have for my life and NEVER believe that God can achieve it through me. I sit on my calling avoiding the disappointment that comes from not meeting the expectations I have of myself. I make excuse after excuse, paralyzed between unreasonably thinking I have to and can do it on my own, and thinking that no good can come from my attempts. And what do I get, nothing.

My side of the car was slammed up against trees and I walked away with NOT ONE INJURY. I drove the car away as if it had never happened (very slowly it took me another hour to get home when usually it takes 20 minutes from there). If don't start living like my minutes here on earth matter for someone other than me, then I realize how quickly God can call it a day.

Why would I want to pass down a legacy to Trent of a lukewarm faith. I say lukewarm because I know the things I ought to do and don't do them far too often. Don't I want him to be able to realize all that God desires for him? Don't I want to share the TRUE JOY that God desires for Brett and I to share? Then it's time I stop playing at the game of Christianity and start living Christ.

My laziness, my disrespectful attitude toward authority, my poor self-image...it's all yesterday. And as I find myself ending almost every post, thank God for today. Thank God for his grace. Thank God for saving my life so that I can attempt to glorify him. I pray for anyone who reads this that you would have an experience, not this scary, even if it's through me, that humbles you to a place where you realize WHO it is you're living for and in Him, find joy, purpose, and peace.

And just so I'll always have a reminder, I took pictures of the truck so that I can see exactly how saved I was and how saved I am. Truly amazing.

Trust and Love

2008-12-15T10:40:00.000-08:00

FINALLY! I've had some trouble being able to put text to my blogs. I could type a title, add labels but write nothing!

Things around here have been going well. We had our tacky sweater party, thanks to Ash's brilliant idea! It was so much fun. I only wish I'd taken more pics of everyone there! We are really enjoying our new friends and neighbors here in Winchester and of course loving that Ash and Luke are here with us.

I've recently started teaching Zumba again and am LOVING it! The classes have been wonderful with great participants. Their attititudes are amazing and I look forward to every time I'm with them. I'm also personal training at Valley Health and Wellness. I love it but I'm seeing that God is really using this job, as he has others in the past, to refine my appreciation and respect for authority.

Sometimes, I really struggle with authority. Even if my words and actions are with the intent of respect, my heart is not in the right place. I question the leaders God places in my life far too often and get anxious thinking about what things would be like if I had my way. I've seen what happens when I get my way and you'd think that would be enough to teach me patience and trust in God's plan. The results are always much better according to God's timing. There's so much the Holy Spirit is trying to grow me in but as long as I keep searching for another way, I'm going to miss it.

So the Good News is that today is new. Today I'm new in Christ. That's the Good News, that he died for my sins and he is the ultimate authority and I need to learn to come up under his authority so that everything else in my life will fall into its respective place. Then I'll be in a place of trust and overall, love. I feel better already. Trusting Jesus really does provide a peace that passes all understanding.

Family

2008-11-19T09:31:00.000-08:00

God has so many instructions for me as a wife and mother and the older and more responsive Trent is the more I realize how important it is for me to put God first.

Colossians 3:18 is the FIRST instruction for Christian households and it's for me! "Wives submit to your husbands, as is fitting to the Lord."

I think one of the best things I can do for Trent is love and respect Brett, put Brett first and help create a home of love and unity. I still can't believe how blessed I am to have such a wonderful little family. Five years ago I never thought that this kind of joy would be possible! Lord, help me have a heart of gratitude always, so I won't miss what a blessing Brett and Trent are. Help me focus on submitting to Brett in ways that really do serve him.

2008-11-18T07:11:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I learned that listening to Satan, not God, in the small things is like giving Satan a megaphone while he sits on my shoulder. Then when it comes to the big things I've set myself up for failure, depression, anxiety, confusion and chaos! Answers a lot of questions about why I've been feeling the way I have lately about myself and the things I do. Then this leads to the bigger conviction that came from John 8, more specifically from Jesus: Am I a child of the Devil? If it weren't for grace, I'd certainly be on my way to the lake of fire for an eternal vacation. Based on the decisions I have been making in my heart about things, and some of my actions (o.k. a lot) I could be classified as a child of the Devil, working for him and listening to him. But thankfully, because of GRACE from God through Christ ALONE not only am I forgiven for all my sins and hidden in Christ (Colossians 3:3) but I have an eternity in heaven to look forward to! Thank God for that! Because even after that HUGE revelation about who I'm actually following with my heart, I STILL SINNED YESTERDAY!!!! I deliberately did what I knew I SHOULD NOT DO! Thank God, Thank God, Thank God for his grace.

I pray that today I chose to live in the way the Holy Spirit leads me to live and not take that amazing grace for granted. I desire the clarity, peace and love that comes from following Christ.

And what better follow up to Colossians 3:1-4 than Colossians 3:5-17! Seriously, it's an instruction manual on what NOT to do and what to do in my life if I really desire to follow God!

"5Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. 6Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.[b] 7You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. 8But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. 9Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices 10and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. 11Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.
12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
15Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 16Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. 17And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

So I highlighted the instructions in orange. There are so many specific directions I am given in this passage. "renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator" stands out to me b/c it re-emphasizes that I'm to let go of what makes sense to my sinful nature and allow my new self to embrace who I am in the image of God, not based on the image man desires for itself.

Well, Trently is ready to eat and up from his nap! I'm so grateful for all that I have to chew on today and I PRAY that I will be a better listener to the Holy Spirit and stop grieving it!!!

Colossians 3:1-4 God Above or Lies Below? What's it gonna be?

2008-11-17T10:44:00.001-08:00

I almost just posted that watered down journal entry about my days this past week and the week to come. But it hit me, that's not what I feel God has asked me to do with this blog and I'd be listening to Satan if I left that as my only entry today. I'm so glad I decided to post something with substance b/c as I began to write about my reading in Colossians, I was hit with something HUGE. It's one of the biggest revelations God has EVER given me about my life with Him and I want to share it with you.

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Colossians 3:1-4

I need to remember that I have been raised with Christ (FACT) and I should set my heart on things above (action). I need to begin believing the facts and following through with my actions. Think about God, godliness, holiness and righteous things. Paul says again to set my mind on things above because he knows that I need to hear it twice. And for further clarification, because I often need a definitive clarification, things above are not synonymous with earthly things. I died through Christ, with Christ and what I use to KNOW to be true are lies and my faith DEPENDS on God dwelling in my heart and mind CONSTANTLY.

This is why it is SOOOOOOO important for me to exchange the minute-by-minute lies Satan wants to throw my way with second-by-second truths God has for me. God is speaking to me all day long. As soon as God speaks Satan gets louder and louder. But this is what Jesus had to say about this in John 8 in the section entitled “Children of the Devil”:

42Jesus said to them, "If God were your Father, you would love me, for I came from God and now am here. I have not come on my own; but he sent me. 43Why is my language not clear to you? Because you are unable to hear what I say. 44You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father's desire. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. 45Yet because I tell the truth, you do not believe me! 46Can any of you prove me guilty of sin? If I am telling the truth, why don't you believe me? 47He who belongs to God hears what God says. The reason you do not hear is that you do not belong to God."

Ouch. So, that’s it. I have some serious reflecting to do as I think about who I want to listen to and if I’m ready to surrender. If I’m not ready to surrender my heart to God so that he can truly be my father, then I’m never going to hear His voice over Satan’s. I will continue to be plagued with lies not filled with truth. Thank God for his Holy Spirit who hit me with this truth that, had it come from any of my friends or my husband, I would have come out swinging. But I just feel this immense sense of gratitude to God for opening my eyes in his loving way.

What a week!

2008-11-17T07:21:00.000-08:00

We've been on the go every day since last Monday. Our slowest day was Friday and even then we went to the doctor and the grocery store! No surprise to me that come Saturday when I had planned to go play Bunko with Ash I was not in a "girls just wanna have fun" frame of mind. In fact, as I was in my closet to pick out clothes I actually just laid down on the floor and crashed for fifteen minutes! I did go and am so glad I did! We had a LOT of fun and I really enjoyed the ladies I met at Grace Community Church. We also went with our new friend Denise, who is due to have her little baby boy on December 30th! It's amazing how many AWESOME young aldults with children or expecting and are new to the area we are meeting! We are very blessed.

This week looks to be just as busy but it is also is going to be a FUN week!

We're reading Colossians 3 and 4 for small group on Thursday that's here at our house and then on Friday we have the company holiday party at Brett's work. His coworkers and especially his boss at PRO Physical Therapy have made us feel so much at home. We got to go to her home yesterday in Stephens City for dinner and it was so nice! We enjoyed our time with them a lot and were grateful to just relax with them. The holiday party should be a blast on Friday. I can't wait.

Then, our very good friends, Jon and Nancy, are coming to stay with us on Saturday! WOOHOO! I've missed Nancy so much since I started working at the gym here in Winchester. It's just not the same without her!!! She became such an important part of my life supporting me through a lot of stuff and I hope I returned the favor!

Then on Saturday night, we're all going to go to Luke and Ash's for our "Friends Thanksgiving" dinner. It's a potluck of sorts with all of our new friends here in the area. That should be wonderful.

Shew! What a week! Better start it off right, in the Word!

YAY for Small Group!

2008-11-13T11:16:00.000-08:00

Tonight is small group night at Luke and Ashleys, YAY! So I'm gonna brush up on Colossians 2 so I'm ready to talk (ha as if that would take preparation)!

"2My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, 3in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. "

Encouraged in heart: when my heart is truly encouraged I'm inspired to aspire to be the BEST I can be for God.
Have the full riches of complete understanding: when I go on my own understanding I always feel like somethings missing or I'm missing some major point. Being refreshed through God's perspective, which is usually opposite of mine, I feel full, rich, and headed in the right direction.
Know the mystery of God, namely, Christ: God's ways are a mystery and to understand it we MUST love and know Jesus
Treasures of wisdom and knowledge: do I really value wisdom and knowledge or do I place more value on the byproducts of the two? Most of the time I strive for the consequences of wisdom and knowledge and miss the ENTIRE POINT of striving to know Christ to gain that wisdom and knowledge.

I think I'm just going to reread the rest! I can't wait to talk through this chapter at small group.

Thank the Lord he made babies of a hardy stock!

2008-11-12T13:06:00.000-08:00

I could definitely be in the running for worst Mom ever! Just ask Trent.

As I was giving him a bath yesterday I went to rinse the soap out of his hair. I accidentally poured some over his face and he does what he always tries to do: lap it up with his tounge! Cute, right? Until he choked!!!! It wasn't like the "he's going to work this one out" choking it was the "arms shooting to the side, head bobbing forward, face turning red, mouth open, NOT BREATHING" choking. My heart stopped and then I quickly turned him over and patted him on the back, which against his wet skin felt like a welting smack! He screamed, I cried. I got the towel and just held him until we both calmed down. Shew...glad that's over!

Then as I am attempting to be supermom/wife/worker, I grab a protein bar for dinner and for some reason it's too tough. Oh well, no time, gotta eat. Trent seemed to want his binky so as I chomped down on the bar, I leaned over to put the binky in his mouth. Instead, the bar suddenly broke causing chips of protein and fake chocolate to go into his EYES!!!! AHHHHH! I had to hold him down and pry his little eyes open while he screamed and tried his hardest to keep them shut. I eventually got the protein chips out and thought for sure I had blinded my one and only son. The coast seemed to be clear UNTIL I went to get Trent out of his car seat and take him to his Dad at work and there, in the inside corners of his eyes were CHOCOLATE CRUSTIES!!!! Apparently the eyes do clean themselves out well.

So, again I am humbled by God and am rethinking how often I do too much at once. Now, the consequences of my mad multitasking don't only effect me, they definitely hit Trent. I think it's time to slow down!

Thankfully

2008-11-11T09:39:00.000-08:00

I'm learning that a good way to discern if I'm doing what I should is if I can FREELY give thanks to God in any given moment for what it is I'm partaking in, then I'm on track. And hopefully this will remind me when I SHOULD be giving thanks instead of grumbling or whining to God! I find this to be especially helpful when I'm overeating! If I can't give thanks b/c I feel guilty b/c I don't NEED the food I'm eating then there's a good chance I should put down the food and walk away!

Well I have a ton of stuff I have to do so I'm going to go gratefully do it before I have to run to work!

Renewing my Mind

2008-11-10T09:48:00.000-08:00

1Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.
Colossians 3:1-2

Today I'm giving my mind to God to be renewed so that I will BELIEVE that I am empowered to be all God designed me to be and calls me to be. I will NOT to listen to Satan's lies that sound like this:

You're lazy.
You're never gonna be able to be a good wife, mom, daughter, counselor, trainer, friend, etc.
It's too much for you to handle.
You can't handle one kid why are you even thinking of more?!
Who do you think you are?
Did you think you were really going to be able to make a difference?
You look fat.
You'll never wear those jeans again!
And the list goes on and on and on...no matter what I'm doing, Satan's got a lie for me. It is so true that my battle is not of flesh it's SPIRITUAL and it's in my mind. This is why it's so important every day for me to check my mind with God. Stop the lies, stop the madness and press on.

Being empowered THROUGH God I will beat Satan. On my own, I will fail. I have to swallow my pride and admit: Satan is stronger than I am. God is stronger than Satan. By getting over my prideful heart I can accept that I can't beat Satan on my own, and I need God. I need God. I need God! I need God to be free.

12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3:12

I will be sure to focus on these things and with God's help I will rid myself of sin, sinful thoughts and sinful actions.

I feel so much better to tackle my day as free as possible to be the best I can be.

I know I sound like SNL's Stewart Smalley, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog-gonnit, people like me." Only this isn't cheesy "self-help" this is GOD-help...GOD's WORK!

A New Day

2008-11-07T04:00:00.000-08:00

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. 1 John 4:7-12

It's almost humorous to me that I warned that my last post was "raw". I still completely edited all of my sinfulness and the complete ugliness of the situation all while thinking I was really exposing myself. It's so hard to be vulnerable when I'm wrong.

As I went to bed last night finally at midnight I really didn't know how long it would take God to work to heal my marriage. The damage that was done by both of us could justify weeks of frustration and discouragement. But I believe God truly worked a miracle. Brett and I have both learned that we have expectations of one another and that we are both keenly aware of our own shortcomings as well as the disappointment we feel when we are let down by unmet expectations. We should know that late night discussions of where we fall short lead to defensive hostility but some lessons we are still learning...again.

It was made very clear to me last night as I read trying to sort it all out that I'm NEVER to react to the judgement of another letting them determine my worth or my faith. I also know in my heart that a circumstance should not determine my joy or hope. Romans 5:3-5 makes that clear.

This morning we were still angry. But before the sun came up we talked. It wasn't pretty and we each had to digest our own servings of humble pie for breakfast. But love prevailed. God prevailed. God healed. When we put God first, we put each other first and we are heard. And to be honest, we find that when we put each other first we want the same things: bills paid on time, a comfortable home that's a soft place to land, our baby boy taken care of, our health on track. We found we really aren't that different after all. It's amazing how quickly we become agents working against each other instead of being on the same team.

Praise God COMPLETELY for getting me out of my pit of self-pity and dispair and for starting the new day with HIS LOVE on the tip of my heart.

May God continue to make himself known to me and my family and to you and yours.

warning: very raw post

2008-11-06T19:49:00.000-08:00

i should have known that as soon as i attempt to realign my heart with God that satan would throw me a major curve ball. i responded in the most childish of ways and am so disappointed in myself and still angry about everything that happened. i'm sick of being stuck and i'm no longer feeling sorry for myself. i'm just going to remember this night, this feeling and know that God is bigger and he can heal my heart so that i never have to act that way again. i never want to throw a glass to make a point no matter what is being said or how i'm being attacked. i never want to disrespect God and myself by raising my voice and cursing. i don't want trent to grow up with an unhinged mother who loves the Lord, as long as it's easy. honestly, it's going to take the healing power of God to undo what's been done in my home and i pray that he will.

i remember being so excited about our fresh start, our new home, our new son and all the responsibilities that go along with it. it kills me to know that i'm already tainting it with my stuff, my baggage that i thought i left in morgantown. i thought i had gotten rid of those sinful desires but they are still here in my heart. i guess i have a lot of work to do and i was kidding myself if i thought the sins that i neglected to work on didn't move with me here to winchester.

2008-11-06T08:19:00.000-08:00

Today, I'm mostly desiring to get some order to our home and work on making this place our soft place to land! Before I tackle this I have learned it's way more beneficial for me to put some order in my life by gettin' in the Word so Colossians here I come!

Immediately Col. 2: 8 [ See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ. ] makes me think of our current political climate! And I think as Christians we need to get to work! While I overall am initially saddened that our government now negates moral and biblical responsibility for a false sense of peace I am encouraged that the harvest is plenty. I mean, those who usually can be the most difficult to reach, might be riding on the fleeting wave of HOPE provided by a Presidential election and a little more willing to embrace something more eternal if presented to them. And even if they aren't, I see the STRONG call for me to be a calming light to the world. Never in my life, more than right now, do I need to get my heart right with God so that I can do HIS WORK! MC HAMMER SAID IT BEST: WE GOT TO PRAY JUST TO MAKE IT TODAY! I need to stay in a mode of prayer for our world, our President, my family, my heart! And I have to start now. And all that in just one verse!

Vs. 9 & 10 remind me who is boss of all bosses in the world. In order to be "orderly" like Paul talks about in vs. 5. we have to have the chain of command correct in our HEARTS. God was made tangible to us through Christ. Christ what made King of our hearts by saving us from our sin by "circumcising us" himself. And again, I'm reminded that it's nothing anyone, including myself, can do to make me righteous! ONLY JESUS. And I'm so GRATEFUL I am baptized. It took me a long time to get baptized in my adult life as a new believer and I remember the conviction that turned to condemnation for not dying with Christ through baptism and now Satan does not that to hang over my head! And better yet I am empowered through baptism!!! God wins over Satan every time!!

I love the reminder of our salvation through Christ in vs. 13-15! It's so easy to forget, read over real quick and think that it depends on me. Even as I read God's Word, I'll actually think that my day depends on my ability to comprehend it instead of appreciating my salvation. THANK YOU JESUS! Thank you that my salvation is NOT dependent on my illiteracy! :)

It would be real easy to find hope in vs. 15 for the wrong reasons. [And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross.] I could read this and think "HAHA (in an evil tone)! Take that!" But I would immediately exchanging the peace I have through Christ in my circumstance for hope in vengence. Living with that as my motive to put God first certainly would return void!

SHEW!!! I think I have a lot to chew on here and mostly walk away remembering to be GRATEFUL for my salvation and that to have true order in my life is to allow God and the fullness of the DIETY to reign in my heart.

Our little man!

2008-11-04T21:45:00.000-08:00

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Today

2008-11-04T08:24:00.000-08:00

Not yesterday, not tomorrow, just TODAY! Here are the things of conviction stirring in my heart:
overeating
laziness
over indulging in TRENT!
putting myself first
neglecting my health
voting

Our small group [Luke, Ashley, Nathan, Katie, Brett and myself] are reading Colossians so I'm going to read Col. 2 and see what the Word has for me today! It may relate to these matters and it may redirect my attention to another something...which would be great :).

Well immediately verses 1-4 speak of encouragement and wisdom through Christ (via Paul) both of which I'm lacking and both of which shine COMPLETE light on my convictions! To know the "full riches of COMPLETE understanding" is exactly what I desire to cut through this, for lack of better words, STUFF in my heart. It reminds me in verse four not to be deceived by "fine sounding arguments." When struggling with laziness and weight gain a quick fix seems so enticing. But this reminds me that COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING and the FULL RICHES would be negotiated by any quick fix that might sooth my aching, convicted, heart.

Really? Did the word "orderly" have to be used in vs. five?!! It's exactly what I'm not and exactly what I desire to be! Lord, help me be orderly so that others will be drawn to YOU in ME! And it's interesting that "orderly" and "firm in faith" are used in the same sentence. I believe there is a correlation between the two for sure. When I'm orderly I usually can stand more solid in my faith in Christ. When I'm unfocused and chaotic in my life, my relationship with God usually reflects this.

Vs. 6-7 really sum up where my heart needs to be.
"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness."

I believe if I really concentrate on Christ, his GRACE, my salvation, and the goodness of God instead of my shortcomings...I will find peace in my heart in dealing with my convictions. I might even see God bring about change in my life instead of striving to reach that change on my own. The irony is that Brett and I discussed this exact point just recently and I see that God is helping me meditate on it some more! So that's what I'm going to do TODAY. Forget about yesterdays shortcomings, not dwell on tomorrows challenges or future shortcomings but live in Christ Jesus, rooted and BUILT UP (not torn down by condemnation) in HIM (not me), strengthened in faith as I have been taught (over and over and over again) and overflowing with thankfulness. PRAISE GOD!