fear

i hate that i let fear determine so much of my life. even what i write on here is often censored by fear. i'm pretty open about my experiences but i also understand that this blog might be hard to read because the content can be pretty heavy and also, how painful it must be to read about someone experiencing the same struggle over and over and over again. so whoever is out there still patient enough to bare through these post, thank you.

i have been trusting God more and more in my life and really leaning on him to supply the truth that takes residence in my mind and wait for him to guide my tounge. it has been so refreshing and wonderful. it seems God was drawing me to him so i'd be willing to lean on him when i got hit with an emotional bomb last night. i won't disclose all of the details, but it pains me not to have more encouraging content in this post.

i've been praying. i got enough sleep and i've eaten well today so that i can handle this as best as i can, but i am super weak right now.

in spite of circumstances, i am grateful for God and his love. i'm grateful that He cared enough to share his Spirit with me to carry me through this time and that Jesus, his Son, is the model for how to live through all that i'll experience in this life.

i wish i had a lighter something to share, but i feel i should be as authentic as possible. i will praise You in this storm.

Today!

I don't typically blog at night, but tonight I want to share the good of the day.

I prayed that God would draw me near and help me eliminate distractions in my life and he did. My time reading the Bible wasn't as serene and focused as I desired, but it was good. I found a great study on Proverbs 31 and started from there. I don't see Proverbs 31 as a reminder of my shortcomings but rather as evidence of a women with a heart for God. The study this morning reminded me that not all women desiring to be all they can be will come out looking like the lady(or ladies) described in that chapter. It also emphasized that in order to know what I'm like when I'm my best for God, I must spend time with Jesus and get familiar with his mindset, priorities and love.

Throughout the day I felt the Holy Spirit helping me make better decisions about how to best use my time and it's evident in the amount of things that I was able to accomplish. It's true, spending time with Jesus does not mean I'm being lazy, spending time with Jesus is the most productive thing I could do with my day!

I'm so grateful that there is a God who loves me enough to want a relationship with me, no matter how many times I don't return His calls or tell him I love Him. I pray that tomorrow will be more Christ-centered than today and that the Holy Spirit will continue to guide me throughout my day as I live out God's priorities for my life.

AJ: [rocker fist pumpin] "Here I go again on my own..."

That darn White Snake song will not leave my head! I have been pretty overwhelmed lately with the things that I'm responsible for in life. I've pretty much checked out during the critical days and feel paralysis taking over me because I don't even know where to begin.

Last night when I was trying to fall asleep I could not make myself quiet down. I kept running through my mind all of my responsibilities and consequently, all of my inadequacies. Brett just said, "Pray about it."

Whoa! It was like no one had ever told me that I could pray before. Why hadn't I thought of that? As soon as I began to share with God my schedule, my activities and my concerns over doing too much, I fell asleep.

I'm not promoting prayer as a sleep aid. In fact, I do remember being told to hold my hand straight-up, over my face so when I fall asleep during my nightly prayers it will wake me back up. Anyway, what I am realizing again, that I keep trying to do everything on my own without God. Talking to Him about my life, responsibilities, desires to grow and change and trusting Him to guide me and provide for me the means to stay in his will is something that feels foreign lately.

If you don't mind, please pray for my spiritual growth and my for my relationship with God to deepen. I want to want HIM more.

psychoanalysis

as i started to review sigmund freud's theory of psychoanalysis, i kept asking myself, "why do we use such dated, ridiculous information?" some of the underlying principles of freud's psychoanalysis are far-reaching and radical (in a bad way). however, some i find to be presently applicable.

i get defensive and project onto others what i don't like about myself and i also react in the opposite manner than what my instinct desires. for example, if i'm jealous i'll congratulate someone because i know that is the "right" response rather than express the bitterness of my true feelings.

so what i have determined is that i will still work toward a response to my feelings that pleases Jesus instead of my carnal response. and i will ALSO (this is the biggy) work toward understanding the root of my jealousy, anger or resentment. this will, according to psychoanalysis, allow me to think through the cause of my issue and work toward a behavioral/attitude change rather than rely on my natural, unconscious response. the word "work" was used a lot here! i don't think that is coincidence (maybe just my shallow vocabulary).

in summary, i will no longer accept the "right response" as my standard of living and loving but will strive toward a righteous, healthy heart and mind.

I am very convicted this morning by Galations 6. It was a great reminder to live for Christ and not for myself. Pride is a tricky thing that can make us (me) do foolish things in attempt to continue feeding the beast that it is. I'm grateful to be reminded that my life is alive when I'm in community, sharing the needs of others and bringing glory to God, not myself.

Here's what I read (I read both the NIV and The Message) in the Message version of the Bible:

Galatians 6
Nothing but the Cross 1-3 Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ's law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived.
4-5Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don't be impressed with yourself. Don't compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.
6Be very sure now, you who have been trained to a self-sufficient maturity, that you enter into a generous common life with those who have trained you, sharing all the good things that you have and experience.
7-8Don't be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he'll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God's Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life.
9-10So let's not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith.

Children

The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children (NIV, Rom. 8:16).

This morning Trent reminded me that we are God's children. As I watched Trent reorganize our cabinets I smiled. He did things the hard way, dropped stuff, got frustrated, but kept at it and the end result was a stuffed, messy cabinet.

We still clapped and cheered when he was done because he's learning to put things back where they belong and that should be celebrated! It was humbling to think this is how God sees a lot of my attempts to "reorganize" or refocus my life. I drop stuff, forget stuff, hurt others, cram as much in as possible and I imagine God with his hand over his face watching through the cracks of his fingers as I fumble around trying to make things right. And like Trent's, the end result is more messy than when I started!

If I, God's child, just spent more time with Him, I bet he'd show me all I need to know about the order of my life.

However...

BUT, we can work to change and overcome that set-point. But it takes hard work. I'd like to think I'm in the midst of hard work and soon my set-point will change.