So far today has gone well. I woke up and ate a great breakfast and have eaten "clean" all day up to now. I also set a goal to have both of my discussion board posts done by noon and did it! We are reading in James chapter 2 in small group and I see how all of this is tying together. James, the brother of Jesus warns us against having faith without works and that it is impossible for either to survive independently. This reflects the physical concepts of eating well and staying active. One with out the other is not wellness. And for me to be liberated to serve God, I have to keep faith that God will complete the work he started in me whiiiiiile I work on getting healthier. I am seeing that at this stage, this effort requires constant prayer and keeping God's word IN MY HEART (in case my Bible is not close by) so that I can call on the wisdom of God to get through the cravings and addictions.
Tonight Zumba class was so much fun. But on my way I realized that while Zumba is an excellent physical release, I've also been relying on it to be my mental/emotional/spiritual release. On my way to class I was thinking about yesterday, my third pounder, and why I chose the temptation over wellness. It was then that I remembered that JUST before I started the first bootcamp I got some bad news from the hubs. This was a marital stressor kind of conversation. I didn't pray about it before going off to teach and did not take my hurt, frustrations, and anxiety to God before going on with my job. This loneliness that stewed in my heart for three hours, I believe, is a big part of the reason I was so vulnerable to the tempting comfort of food. It also made me aware that I really must pray to God minute by minute, being 100% genuine with what's on my heart so he can fight for me and I can find my security in him, not being wavered by circumstance.
Tonight after class was much better and my stats for the day are MUCH better! Myfitnesspal.com has been a huge help in keeping me on task with not overeating and seeing what is and is not most effective in my quest. And now, I am with clean conscience going to go have some spinach, hummus and taboule (my favorites)!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
2.23.11
It started at 6a when I silenced my iPod alarm that was set to “Savior Please”. Nice, right? So I didn’t get up and go work out early this morning like I had decided to at midnight the night before. Usually at midnight is when all of my great plans for the next day unfold. And 6a is usually when the foundation of those plans crumbles. Even though I didn’t meet my first goal, I had a Mom’s get together that I was looking forward to so my spirit could not be that easily stifled this morning. I ate a great breakfast [spinach frittata, with bits of turkey bacon and 2 tbsp of taboule]. I packed a great snack and was on my way to a healthy day. I did well all the way up to baking cookies for a bake sale and then had two cookies. And then the worst was after I taught two boot camps that I partially participated in I got the craving. It started and pressed in until I caved. I ended up getting a third-pounder at McDonald’s AS A MEAL. I ate it quickly, felt sick, nibbled on some fries and sipped a little diet coke. Eating the burger quieted the raging beast of an addiction within me. But then, the beast’s sidekicks of guilt and shame joined me on my ride home as I thought about how many calories void of nutritious value I had just consumed. They eagerly reminded me of the workout I would not be doing when I got home, how bad I would feel when I saw my husband, and that I could cover it all up by eating whatever had been prepared for dinner that night at home. I am not kidding or exaggerating at all., these are the thoughts that have gone through my mind since 7:30p.
Now is the critical moment. Will I chose to talk to God about it and get real with myself and my husband about my addiction? Or, do it all over again tomorrow? I think I will enter my food for the day in myfitnesspal.com, get on my knees and thank God for his forgiveness, ask God to renew my faith in him and to help me rest my hope not in my own will-power, but in him. It’s interesting that we read James 1 last week for small group and myself in James reference to the person who sees their own reflection and does nothing about the problems that need to be fixed. I desire to seek God with my whole heart and allow him to show me what I need to do to fix this addiction, I do not want to live in denial any longer.
10 minutes later:
Goal Caloric Intake: 1200 calories
Actual Caloric Intake: 2119 calories
Exercise: 400 calories expended
As you can see I am 500 calories over for my goal today. Is it the end of the world? No. Do I need to be more focused? Yes.
I am equipped with my EAT-CLEAN DIET Recharged by Tosca Reno, my Polar Heart Rate Monitor Watch (Brand New), and myfitnesspal.com. It is time, my friends. It is time.
Now is the critical moment. Will I chose to talk to God about it and get real with myself and my husband about my addiction? Or, do it all over again tomorrow? I think I will enter my food for the day in myfitnesspal.com, get on my knees and thank God for his forgiveness, ask God to renew my faith in him and to help me rest my hope not in my own will-power, but in him. It’s interesting that we read James 1 last week for small group and myself in James reference to the person who sees their own reflection and does nothing about the problems that need to be fixed. I desire to seek God with my whole heart and allow him to show me what I need to do to fix this addiction, I do not want to live in denial any longer.
10 minutes later:
Goal Caloric Intake: 1200 calories
Actual Caloric Intake: 2119 calories
Exercise: 400 calories expended
As you can see I am 500 calories over for my goal today. Is it the end of the world? No. Do I need to be more focused? Yes.
I am equipped with my EAT-CLEAN DIET Recharged by Tosca Reno, my Polar Heart Rate Monitor Watch (Brand New), and myfitnesspal.com. It is time, my friends. It is time.
Being More Transparent
A long time ago I was called with affection, “Thunder Thighs”. I was two years old, so I am sure that it was done with no ill intentions. Who would have thought it was a prophetic name? Today, at thirty, that nickname couldn’t seem more appropriate.
My addiction to food, really bad-for-you food, has brought me to a place of awe and frustration. I am in awe of my inability to resist the call of a fast-food burger and completely frustrated with the oxy-moron that is my life. I am a fitness professional that loves awful food. I do not practice consistently what I preach and the proof is in the pudding (and the pudding is in my thighs)!
I don’t have a desire to tell anyone about this; except that I know I need accountability. If I do not have something that I must be accountable to on a consistent basis, I will never be completely real with myself or those I love. This is my attempt at consistent transparency so that I can realize who it is God desires me to be. This addiction to food is what keeps me from serving and loving God, my husband, my son and those God places in my life. I keep trying to force food to meet desires and needs in my live that are Devine. Food is just energy for me to LIVE and I long to appreciate it for what it is.
It is no coincidence that my struggle is with eating and seeing myself as something that was fearfully and wonderfully made. Joining “Thunder Thighs” is “The Fat Cheerleader” or “The Cheerleader with the Fat Thighs Wearing Short-Shorts”. The last two were by the football coach of my Jr. High School (done in front of the ENTIRE team) and my Vice PrinciPAL at High School. She wasn’t reprimanding me, she said she was just making a joke and that I didn’t really need to change. My principal told me everyone gets picked on, “They use to pick on my ears,” he said.
My husband and I have vices that play off of one another and if we aren’t intentional, they will leave us feeling lonely, pursuing isolation, and lead us toward tendencies of depression. I know we aren’t the only ones. I know I am not alone. And if I said I was posting this so that others would grow that would be a lie. I am posting this so that I may grow through this and come out on the other side in VICTORY able and equipped to better love and serve God.
If you ARE reading this, and this does speak to your heart, feel free to reach out to me and grow with me. I praise my Creator, God, who loves me just as I am and loves you, too. And I know that my ONLY hope is in Him. Without him, I’ll still be running for the Big Macs wondering when it’s ever going to end.
I have taken up enough space in the blogosphere with not a main purpose. My hope is for the following entries to accurately portray my struggle with an addiction to food and the hope that can only be found in God.
My addiction to food, really bad-for-you food, has brought me to a place of awe and frustration. I am in awe of my inability to resist the call of a fast-food burger and completely frustrated with the oxy-moron that is my life. I am a fitness professional that loves awful food. I do not practice consistently what I preach and the proof is in the pudding (and the pudding is in my thighs)!
I don’t have a desire to tell anyone about this; except that I know I need accountability. If I do not have something that I must be accountable to on a consistent basis, I will never be completely real with myself or those I love. This is my attempt at consistent transparency so that I can realize who it is God desires me to be. This addiction to food is what keeps me from serving and loving God, my husband, my son and those God places in my life. I keep trying to force food to meet desires and needs in my live that are Devine. Food is just energy for me to LIVE and I long to appreciate it for what it is.
It is no coincidence that my struggle is with eating and seeing myself as something that was fearfully and wonderfully made. Joining “Thunder Thighs” is “The Fat Cheerleader” or “The Cheerleader with the Fat Thighs Wearing Short-Shorts”. The last two were by the football coach of my Jr. High School (done in front of the ENTIRE team) and my Vice PrinciPAL at High School. She wasn’t reprimanding me, she said she was just making a joke and that I didn’t really need to change. My principal told me everyone gets picked on, “They use to pick on my ears,” he said.
My husband and I have vices that play off of one another and if we aren’t intentional, they will leave us feeling lonely, pursuing isolation, and lead us toward tendencies of depression. I know we aren’t the only ones. I know I am not alone. And if I said I was posting this so that others would grow that would be a lie. I am posting this so that I may grow through this and come out on the other side in VICTORY able and equipped to better love and serve God.
If you ARE reading this, and this does speak to your heart, feel free to reach out to me and grow with me. I praise my Creator, God, who loves me just as I am and loves you, too. And I know that my ONLY hope is in Him. Without him, I’ll still be running for the Big Macs wondering when it’s ever going to end.
I have taken up enough space in the blogosphere with not a main purpose. My hope is for the following entries to accurately portray my struggle with an addiction to food and the hope that can only be found in God.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Listening.
We just got home from vacation Saturday and although it's now Wednesday, I still feel like I'm catching up on rest! We had a house full of family and friends and four lively kids to keep us all on our toes the entire week.
It's good to be home, but waiting at home for us was some sadness that my family and I were able to avoid while at Ocean Isle. Our dear neighbor and friend, Don Ranelli, passed away on Sunday, August 1st.
I grew up in a neighborhood where you knew/know each others names, pets names, schedules, habits, lives, favorite color...you get the idea. And I never realized how special this was until I moved away to college.
Mr. Ranelli use to call my brother at Christmas posing as Santa Claus and worked on the board of directors with my Mom to open the Summit Point Public Library. And although he battled with cancer for 15 years, he never let go of his desire to serve there on the board. His daughter Lisa and I were talking at the viewing, which was wonderful until I remembered why we were reunited. She simply said, "If there's any advice I can offer from this, it's to spend a lot of time with your Dad."
Our first Sunday back, the neighbor on our other side, Keith, came over with his wife (crazy to say he has a wife when I still keep him at age five) to tell us that hospice was coming and they don't give his Mom more than this week and next to live. This isn't a surprise. Roma's been battling cancer for 18 years. But it's just hard to face.
I've successfully avoided the heartache of our little community by going to college, getting married, having a child, staying away.
Brett and I watched the first episode of the Tony Robins show last night. Go ahead, make fun. We did too until we found ourselves applying what we had watched in conversation and looking at areas that we could grow in.
We both walked away from that show realizing how grateful we want to be. For each other, for our beautiful boy, for our families, our home, our job, school, oxygen, salvation. It reminded me, there's so much to look at when counting flaws, but there's way more to look at when counting blessings. So I gained five pounds last week, I can walk and breath.
I thank God for bringing to the forefront this life lesson by celebrating the lives of others who are so strong.
I'm grateful. I'm listening.
It's good to be home, but waiting at home for us was some sadness that my family and I were able to avoid while at Ocean Isle. Our dear neighbor and friend, Don Ranelli, passed away on Sunday, August 1st.
I grew up in a neighborhood where you knew/know each others names, pets names, schedules, habits, lives, favorite color...you get the idea. And I never realized how special this was until I moved away to college.
Mr. Ranelli use to call my brother at Christmas posing as Santa Claus and worked on the board of directors with my Mom to open the Summit Point Public Library. And although he battled with cancer for 15 years, he never let go of his desire to serve there on the board. His daughter Lisa and I were talking at the viewing, which was wonderful until I remembered why we were reunited. She simply said, "If there's any advice I can offer from this, it's to spend a lot of time with your Dad."
Our first Sunday back, the neighbor on our other side, Keith, came over with his wife (crazy to say he has a wife when I still keep him at age five) to tell us that hospice was coming and they don't give his Mom more than this week and next to live. This isn't a surprise. Roma's been battling cancer for 18 years. But it's just hard to face.
I've successfully avoided the heartache of our little community by going to college, getting married, having a child, staying away.
Brett and I watched the first episode of the Tony Robins show last night. Go ahead, make fun. We did too until we found ourselves applying what we had watched in conversation and looking at areas that we could grow in.
We both walked away from that show realizing how grateful we want to be. For each other, for our beautiful boy, for our families, our home, our job, school, oxygen, salvation. It reminded me, there's so much to look at when counting flaws, but there's way more to look at when counting blessings. So I gained five pounds last week, I can walk and breath.
I thank God for bringing to the forefront this life lesson by celebrating the lives of others who are so strong.
I'm grateful. I'm listening.
Monday, February 15, 2010
fear
i hate that i let fear determine so much of my life. even what i write on here is often censored by fear. i'm pretty open about my experiences but i also understand that this blog might be hard to read because the content can be pretty heavy and also, how painful it must be to read about someone experiencing the same struggle over and over and over again. so whoever is out there still patient enough to bare through these post, thank you.
i have been trusting God more and more in my life and really leaning on him to supply the truth that takes residence in my mind and wait for him to guide my tounge. it has been so refreshing and wonderful. it seems God was drawing me to him so i'd be willing to lean on him when i got hit with an emotional bomb last night. i won't disclose all of the details, but it pains me not to have more encouraging content in this post.
i've been praying. i got enough sleep and i've eaten well today so that i can handle this as best as i can, but i am super weak right now.
in spite of circumstances, i am grateful for God and his love. i'm grateful that He cared enough to share his Spirit with me to carry me through this time and that Jesus, his Son, is the model for how to live through all that i'll experience in this life.
i wish i had a lighter something to share, but i feel i should be as authentic as possible. i will praise You in this storm.
i have been trusting God more and more in my life and really leaning on him to supply the truth that takes residence in my mind and wait for him to guide my tounge. it has been so refreshing and wonderful. it seems God was drawing me to him so i'd be willing to lean on him when i got hit with an emotional bomb last night. i won't disclose all of the details, but it pains me not to have more encouraging content in this post.
i've been praying. i got enough sleep and i've eaten well today so that i can handle this as best as i can, but i am super weak right now.
in spite of circumstances, i am grateful for God and his love. i'm grateful that He cared enough to share his Spirit with me to carry me through this time and that Jesus, his Son, is the model for how to live through all that i'll experience in this life.
i wish i had a lighter something to share, but i feel i should be as authentic as possible. i will praise You in this storm.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Today!
I don't typically blog at night, but tonight I want to share the good of the day.
I prayed that God would draw me near and help me eliminate distractions in my life and he did. My time reading the Bible wasn't as serene and focused as I desired, but it was good. I found a great study on Proverbs 31 and started from there. I don't see Proverbs 31 as a reminder of my shortcomings but rather as evidence of a women with a heart for God. The study this morning reminded me that not all women desiring to be all they can be will come out looking like the lady(or ladies) described in that chapter. It also emphasized that in order to know what I'm like when I'm my best for God, I must spend time with Jesus and get familiar with his mindset, priorities and love.
Throughout the day I felt the Holy Spirit helping me make better decisions about how to best use my time and it's evident in the amount of things that I was able to accomplish. It's true, spending time with Jesus does not mean I'm being lazy, spending time with Jesus is the most productive thing I could do with my day!
I'm so grateful that there is a God who loves me enough to want a relationship with me, no matter how many times I don't return His calls or tell him I love Him. I pray that tomorrow will be more Christ-centered than today and that the Holy Spirit will continue to guide me throughout my day as I live out God's priorities for my life.
I prayed that God would draw me near and help me eliminate distractions in my life and he did. My time reading the Bible wasn't as serene and focused as I desired, but it was good. I found a great study on Proverbs 31 and started from there. I don't see Proverbs 31 as a reminder of my shortcomings but rather as evidence of a women with a heart for God. The study this morning reminded me that not all women desiring to be all they can be will come out looking like the lady(or ladies) described in that chapter. It also emphasized that in order to know what I'm like when I'm my best for God, I must spend time with Jesus and get familiar with his mindset, priorities and love.
Throughout the day I felt the Holy Spirit helping me make better decisions about how to best use my time and it's evident in the amount of things that I was able to accomplish. It's true, spending time with Jesus does not mean I'm being lazy, spending time with Jesus is the most productive thing I could do with my day!
I'm so grateful that there is a God who loves me enough to want a relationship with me, no matter how many times I don't return His calls or tell him I love Him. I pray that tomorrow will be more Christ-centered than today and that the Holy Spirit will continue to guide me throughout my day as I live out God's priorities for my life.
AJ: [rocker fist pumpin] "Here I go again on my own..."
That darn White Snake song will not leave my head! I have been pretty overwhelmed lately with the things that I'm responsible for in life. I've pretty much checked out during the critical days and feel paralysis taking over me because I don't even know where to begin.
Last night when I was trying to fall asleep I could not make myself quiet down. I kept running through my mind all of my responsibilities and consequently, all of my inadequacies. Brett just said, "Pray about it."
Whoa! It was like no one had ever told me that I could pray before. Why hadn't I thought of that? As soon as I began to share with God my schedule, my activities and my concerns over doing too much, I fell asleep.
I'm not promoting prayer as a sleep aid. In fact, I do remember being told to hold my hand straight-up, over my face so when I fall asleep during my nightly prayers it will wake me back up. Anyway, what I am realizing again, that I keep trying to do everything on my own without God. Talking to Him about my life, responsibilities, desires to grow and change and trusting Him to guide me and provide for me the means to stay in his will is something that feels foreign lately.
If you don't mind, please pray for my spiritual growth and my for my relationship with God to deepen. I want to want HIM more.
Last night when I was trying to fall asleep I could not make myself quiet down. I kept running through my mind all of my responsibilities and consequently, all of my inadequacies. Brett just said, "Pray about it."
Whoa! It was like no one had ever told me that I could pray before. Why hadn't I thought of that? As soon as I began to share with God my schedule, my activities and my concerns over doing too much, I fell asleep.
I'm not promoting prayer as a sleep aid. In fact, I do remember being told to hold my hand straight-up, over my face so when I fall asleep during my nightly prayers it will wake me back up. Anyway, what I am realizing again, that I keep trying to do everything on my own without God. Talking to Him about my life, responsibilities, desires to grow and change and trusting Him to guide me and provide for me the means to stay in his will is something that feels foreign lately.
If you don't mind, please pray for my spiritual growth and my for my relationship with God to deepen. I want to want HIM more.
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