fear

i hate that i let fear determine so much of my life. even what i write on here is often censored by fear. i'm pretty open about my experiences but i also understand that this blog might be hard to read because the content can be pretty heavy and also, how painful it must be to read about someone experiencing the same struggle over and over and over again. so whoever is out there still patient enough to bare through these post, thank you.

i have been trusting God more and more in my life and really leaning on him to supply the truth that takes residence in my mind and wait for him to guide my tounge. it has been so refreshing and wonderful. it seems God was drawing me to him so i'd be willing to lean on him when i got hit with an emotional bomb last night. i won't disclose all of the details, but it pains me not to have more encouraging content in this post.

i've been praying. i got enough sleep and i've eaten well today so that i can handle this as best as i can, but i am super weak right now.

in spite of circumstances, i am grateful for God and his love. i'm grateful that He cared enough to share his Spirit with me to carry me through this time and that Jesus, his Son, is the model for how to live through all that i'll experience in this life.

i wish i had a lighter something to share, but i feel i should be as authentic as possible. i will praise You in this storm.

Today!

I don't typically blog at night, but tonight I want to share the good of the day.

I prayed that God would draw me near and help me eliminate distractions in my life and he did. My time reading the Bible wasn't as serene and focused as I desired, but it was good. I found a great study on Proverbs 31 and started from there. I don't see Proverbs 31 as a reminder of my shortcomings but rather as evidence of a women with a heart for God. The study this morning reminded me that not all women desiring to be all they can be will come out looking like the lady(or ladies) described in that chapter. It also emphasized that in order to know what I'm like when I'm my best for God, I must spend time with Jesus and get familiar with his mindset, priorities and love.

Throughout the day I felt the Holy Spirit helping me make better decisions about how to best use my time and it's evident in the amount of things that I was able to accomplish. It's true, spending time with Jesus does not mean I'm being lazy, spending time with Jesus is the most productive thing I could do with my day!

I'm so grateful that there is a God who loves me enough to want a relationship with me, no matter how many times I don't return His calls or tell him I love Him. I pray that tomorrow will be more Christ-centered than today and that the Holy Spirit will continue to guide me throughout my day as I live out God's priorities for my life.

AJ: [rocker fist pumpin] "Here I go again on my own..."

That darn White Snake song will not leave my head! I have been pretty overwhelmed lately with the things that I'm responsible for in life. I've pretty much checked out during the critical days and feel paralysis taking over me because I don't even know where to begin.

Last night when I was trying to fall asleep I could not make myself quiet down. I kept running through my mind all of my responsibilities and consequently, all of my inadequacies. Brett just said, "Pray about it."

Whoa! It was like no one had ever told me that I could pray before. Why hadn't I thought of that? As soon as I began to share with God my schedule, my activities and my concerns over doing too much, I fell asleep.

I'm not promoting prayer as a sleep aid. In fact, I do remember being told to hold my hand straight-up, over my face so when I fall asleep during my nightly prayers it will wake me back up. Anyway, what I am realizing again, that I keep trying to do everything on my own without God. Talking to Him about my life, responsibilities, desires to grow and change and trusting Him to guide me and provide for me the means to stay in his will is something that feels foreign lately.

If you don't mind, please pray for my spiritual growth and my for my relationship with God to deepen. I want to want HIM more.