The more I grow the more I learn repentence is necessary and beautiful. Sometimes it's emotionally taxing and sometimes it's just the right response to my sin. No matter how I experience repentence the outcome is always the same: a clean slate with God and a new beginning in Christ.
After my last blog I confessed my sins to Brett and asked him to hold my hand and pray with me. I wasn't asking Brett to repent for me, I just needed accountibility in my repentence. I knew that there was a lot of emotional build up that was waiting to come out and I needed support as I sought out God's grace.
Now I realize that if I'm faithful to clean my slate with God often it's a lot less emotionally taxing and a lot easier to refocus on the life God has for me to live.
Stacy Santon once said it's like cereal in a bowl. If you don't rinse your bowl out right away the cereal can get really hard and becomes more and more difficult to clean. So if I immediately repent, my heart doesn't get quite as hard and I can enjoy more of your time with God, instead of running from what the Holy Spirit is calling me to do.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
i hesitate to blog some days b/c it does occur to me that other people read it and what i want to express or write about might startle others, offend others or worse yet...reveal some of the ugliness that is in my heart, mind and life.
i guess things i think or do in the quiet spots of life aren't that bad, but they are rough enough that i hesitate to expose them to anyone! like, i'm embarassed to be honest about the same struggle, again and again. i hate admitting that i fight laziness and overeating on a daily basis. worse yet, i hate admitting that lately eight times out of ten i lose those battles. ireally want those areas of my life to be purified so that i can flippin glorify God. and sometimes, i really strive hard to listen for the Holy Spirit as my conscience, and other times i'll smother it with sleep, TV, chips and dip or some fried something that i stuff down my throat. then comes the guilt. the guilt, the condemnation, mood swings and hopefully repentence. but i guess that is the WORST part, sometimes i forget to repent. or i feel SOOOOO guilty that i hate to admit that i need or should have the sweet release of repentence and grace. i feel like i should exist in muck as my punishment for disobedience. or i try to fix it myself. i've tried bullemia for my overeating. i've had super diets written for me and i've exercised. i've made checklist to redirect my actions and relied on the since of accomplishment to move past my shortcomings.
but the problems are still there. i never grew from them and so i still battled with them no more equipped than when i first was introduced to the temptation.
this ugly, hideous cycle has me right now and i have got to give it up. but here's the thing. this isn't the last time i'm going to be tested in these areas of my life and if i fail, then i have to repent again and it just hurts.
but what i need to remember that if i don't do the "about face" then i'm going to have this residual yuckiness in my heart just weighing down my spirit.
tonight i will repent. tomorrow, i get to start new. thank God for all he has done and just by releasing the way i feel about the situation on this blog has helped me see what i need to do.
i guess things i think or do in the quiet spots of life aren't that bad, but they are rough enough that i hesitate to expose them to anyone! like, i'm embarassed to be honest about the same struggle, again and again. i hate admitting that i fight laziness and overeating on a daily basis. worse yet, i hate admitting that lately eight times out of ten i lose those battles. ireally want those areas of my life to be purified so that i can flippin glorify God. and sometimes, i really strive hard to listen for the Holy Spirit as my conscience, and other times i'll smother it with sleep, TV, chips and dip or some fried something that i stuff down my throat. then comes the guilt. the guilt, the condemnation, mood swings and hopefully repentence. but i guess that is the WORST part, sometimes i forget to repent. or i feel SOOOOO guilty that i hate to admit that i need or should have the sweet release of repentence and grace. i feel like i should exist in muck as my punishment for disobedience. or i try to fix it myself. i've tried bullemia for my overeating. i've had super diets written for me and i've exercised. i've made checklist to redirect my actions and relied on the since of accomplishment to move past my shortcomings.
but the problems are still there. i never grew from them and so i still battled with them no more equipped than when i first was introduced to the temptation.
this ugly, hideous cycle has me right now and i have got to give it up. but here's the thing. this isn't the last time i'm going to be tested in these areas of my life and if i fail, then i have to repent again and it just hurts.
but what i need to remember that if i don't do the "about face" then i'm going to have this residual yuckiness in my heart just weighing down my spirit.
tonight i will repent. tomorrow, i get to start new. thank God for all he has done and just by releasing the way i feel about the situation on this blog has helped me see what i need to do.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Not sure yet.
Man, I'm not gonna lie! I am tired! At least my eyes are tired. Every time I use my eye makeup remover it makes my eyelids feel heavy and it's funny that I didn't notice this a minute ago when I was checking my facebook profile and now that I'm attempting to read scripture I just can't keep them open!
I'm not sure why I've stopped at the passage below. Perhaps because I'm a little sleepy and need something strong to jog my mind and stir my heart. I'm not reading it from the perspective of a feminist, and I certainly am not using a patriarchal lense of understanding. But now that I've said that, God is my father. So what would be wrong with a patrairchal view? If it's a Godly view then it's right. I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm going to have to read some more about this scripture. In the meantime, I know that I'm not suppose to get in the way of the truth as a woman and as a follower of Christ. I'll gather more later and let it marinate for now.
1 Timothy 2:9-15
9I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, 10but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.
11A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. 12I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent. 13For Adam was formed first, then Eve. 14And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. 15But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue love and holiness with propriety.
I'm not sure why I've stopped at the passage below. Perhaps because I'm a little sleepy and need something strong to jog my mind and stir my heart. I'm not reading it from the perspective of a feminist, and I certainly am not using a patriarchal lense of understanding. But now that I've said that, God is my father. So what would be wrong with a patrairchal view? If it's a Godly view then it's right. I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm going to have to read some more about this scripture. In the meantime, I know that I'm not suppose to get in the way of the truth as a woman and as a follower of Christ. I'll gather more later and let it marinate for now.
1 Timothy 2:9-15
9I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, 10but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.
11A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. 12I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent. 13For Adam was formed first, then Eve. 14And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. 15But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue love and holiness with propriety.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
GOOD MORNING!
FINALLY! I got up before Trent woke up and stayed up after feeding him! I didn't even get to bed when I wanted to last night! I guess I'm so excited because even though I'm 28 years old I still struggle with getting up as early as I'd like to in the mornings.
Today I get to do a few of my favorite things. I get to personally train a lady who desires to make major changes in her life and I get to teach ZUMBA! I miss teaching Zumba more through the week but I definitely see how I'm less burnt out teaching only once on Saturdays. If I begin to teach more often I'll have to think back to this time where I was dying to teach more and be grateful.
I think life is like that. If I had to get up early every day I'd be over it. But the fact that it was a decision I made and stuck with it makes me so happy. That's the joy in obedience I'm experiencing I suppose. So to avoid burnout in life, I should probably continue to be obedient in the little things God presents to me so that I can constantly experience a unique, refreshing joy that makes each day brand new!
“For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age,” Titus 2:11-12
At church last Sunday Pastor Mark talked about the "present evil age" in Galations. I imagine that "evil" could be used to describe "present age" in this scripture as well. It is not easy to live a Godly life today. But as I'm learning things that are not easy, are most worth it. And the harder I work in the little things to achieve what is not easy, the more joy I experience. So if I live in God's grace, and learn little by little, to say "No" to ungodliness, the more joy I'll have in my heart and the more effective I'll be for bringing God glory.
AMEN and AMEN!
Today I get to do a few of my favorite things. I get to personally train a lady who desires to make major changes in her life and I get to teach ZUMBA! I miss teaching Zumba more through the week but I definitely see how I'm less burnt out teaching only once on Saturdays. If I begin to teach more often I'll have to think back to this time where I was dying to teach more and be grateful.
I think life is like that. If I had to get up early every day I'd be over it. But the fact that it was a decision I made and stuck with it makes me so happy. That's the joy in obedience I'm experiencing I suppose. So to avoid burnout in life, I should probably continue to be obedient in the little things God presents to me so that I can constantly experience a unique, refreshing joy that makes each day brand new!
“For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age,” Titus 2:11-12
At church last Sunday Pastor Mark talked about the "present evil age" in Galations. I imagine that "evil" could be used to describe "present age" in this scripture as well. It is not easy to live a Godly life today. But as I'm learning things that are not easy, are most worth it. And the harder I work in the little things to achieve what is not easy, the more joy I experience. So if I live in God's grace, and learn little by little, to say "No" to ungodliness, the more joy I'll have in my heart and the more effective I'll be for bringing God glory.
AMEN and AMEN!
Friday, January 2, 2009
Still trying...
Seems like the more I determine in my mind that I want to do something the more opposition or resistence I face. Like getting up earlier than usual, for example. I really want to get up earlier and last night I was ready for bed at 9p but Trent was not. He typically gets sleepy and I can put him in bed right away with a little crying but last night he cried for 30 minutes! I finally went up to calm him down and tried a little of everything before I got him to sleep. Finally we both laid side by side on his floor as I read to him. He was calm enough to look at the pages and listen and then finally, flopped himself onto his tummy, found his thumb, and fell asleep. It was 9:45p by this time.
Back to bed only to find my husband is in a ton of pain. The steroids he's taking for his bum neck (i.e. displaced disc) were causing him to have a migrain headache. He moaned for hours. I massaged his neck and back, scratched his back, got him some ibuprofren (which I don't know if you're suppose to take with the pills he's taking). We tried everything...EVERYTHING!
Finally by 12:3Oa I was asleep. I'm not sure what time Brett finally was asleep but I couldn't wait any longer!
All this to say I had the best intentions of rising early to take care of things but I didn't get up until 9:ooa! I could feel bad about missing the mark and then be lazy in guilt all day long, but instead I think I'll give it to God and let him make the most of today and try to get to bed at a better time tonight!
Most things in life that are worth it take some hard work, time, and thought. It's great to have ideals about how I want things to be but the catch is making my actions throughout the day line up with those goals. It's amazing to me how often I look at my day only to find that my actions do not reflect the desires I have for me and my family.
One day at a time, through God's direction, I will keep trying and hopefully be refreshed at the end of my life to see how much growth I've experienced.
Back to bed only to find my husband is in a ton of pain. The steroids he's taking for his bum neck (i.e. displaced disc) were causing him to have a migrain headache. He moaned for hours. I massaged his neck and back, scratched his back, got him some ibuprofren (which I don't know if you're suppose to take with the pills he's taking). We tried everything...EVERYTHING!
Finally by 12:3Oa I was asleep. I'm not sure what time Brett finally was asleep but I couldn't wait any longer!
All this to say I had the best intentions of rising early to take care of things but I didn't get up until 9:ooa! I could feel bad about missing the mark and then be lazy in guilt all day long, but instead I think I'll give it to God and let him make the most of today and try to get to bed at a better time tonight!
Most things in life that are worth it take some hard work, time, and thought. It's great to have ideals about how I want things to be but the catch is making my actions throughout the day line up with those goals. It's amazing to me how often I look at my day only to find that my actions do not reflect the desires I have for me and my family.
One day at a time, through God's direction, I will keep trying and hopefully be refreshed at the end of my life to see how much growth I've experienced.
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