i hesitate to blog some days b/c it does occur to me that other people read it and what i want to express or write about might startle others, offend others or worse yet...reveal some of the ugliness that is in my heart, mind and life.

i guess things i think or do in the quiet spots of life aren't that bad, but they are rough enough that i hesitate to expose them to anyone! like, i'm embarassed to be honest about the same struggle, again and again. i hate admitting that i fight laziness and overeating on a daily basis. worse yet, i hate admitting that lately eight times out of ten i lose those battles. ireally want those areas of my life to be purified so that i can flippin glorify God. and sometimes, i really strive hard to listen for the Holy Spirit as my conscience, and other times i'll smother it with sleep, TV, chips and dip or some fried something that i stuff down my throat. then comes the guilt. the guilt, the condemnation, mood swings and hopefully repentence. but i guess that is the WORST part, sometimes i forget to repent. or i feel SOOOOO guilty that i hate to admit that i need or should have the sweet release of repentence and grace. i feel like i should exist in muck as my punishment for disobedience. or i try to fix it myself. i've tried bullemia for my overeating. i've had super diets written for me and i've exercised. i've made checklist to redirect my actions and relied on the since of accomplishment to move past my shortcomings.

but the problems are still there. i never grew from them and so i still battled with them no more equipped than when i first was introduced to the temptation.

this ugly, hideous cycle has me right now and i have got to give it up. but here's the thing. this isn't the last time i'm going to be tested in these areas of my life and if i fail, then i have to repent again and it just hurts.

but what i need to remember that if i don't do the "about face" then i'm going to have this residual yuckiness in my heart just weighing down my spirit.

tonight i will repent. tomorrow, i get to start new. thank God for all he has done and just by releasing the way i feel about the situation on this blog has helped me see what i need to do.